10 POints best answer murder story by 13 yr feeble . What does it want?
Murder mystery story by 13 yr old!
Today is my uncles 21st birthday, so my whole family is going to his know house, in Newchester(idk). He has a giant house with a forest of trees contained by his backyard.
We finally arrived to his house. It was bigger than I expected. An elevator inside the house. My mind was still wandering about this house, and I have an ominus feeling when I went into the backyard. It was nightime, and I'm a bit of an explorer, so I go into the woods.
"Starsha?" that was my mother. Oh I forgot to intreduce myself. My name is Starsha Jones (idk) I'm 15 years old, the just thing you need to know about me is that I'm a traveller. So anyways, I went into the woods and I let my mind wander. I be playing a murder in my head and I was pretending the things around me be bodies and tools. I Walked over to one tree burrowed in leaves, so I started to dig. I felt a strange stringy bits and pieces rubbing my skin and I noticed it was a curly blonde hair, but it wasn't mine. My fleece is brown and straight. I kept digging. I thought that I was still in the murder in my go before, but the game had escaped into real enthusiasm. A small girl lay burried under the trees. I stood astonished, I couldn't elieve my eyes. I couldn't forget her face. Pale face blue oral cavity, curly blonde hair. I didn't know what to do, so I screamed. Next thing I know, it be silent again, nobody was coming nobody could hear me, but then I heard a crunch losing me. It was the breaking of a twig. When I turned, there was a boy. He be small, and he just walked around me in circles. He have tear stains, on his porcelain looking face. "who are you," I asked. The boy ran, and so did I, but I run the opposite way..
This is just the setting up how is it??
That's awesome! I could really picture this in my head and be already getting freaked out!! The first few sentences don't seen necessary, but other than that, great work!
first off, within your first sentence "today is my uncles 21st birthday, so my whole family is going to his knew house, surrounded by Newchester", there is a spelling mistake. "knew" should be new.
other than that, it looks similar to it is good.
That's really good, but instead of saying, "Oh I forgot to introduce myself..." at the beginning of the story merely say, "My name is Starsha Jones. My uncle is having a housewarming knees-up (?) at his new house. I didn't know anyone at the party, and I got bored, so I begin to wander around the woods behind his house..." and continue the rest of the story. Writing take perserverance, so don't give up. That's a good storyline. Also remember to add emotion to your characters, such as, "He had tear stains on his porcelain-like face. "Who are you?" I asked, my voice newly a whisper in the still night." And if these two children are going to be significant contained by the story, describe them some more. You could say,"He was small, pale, and his eyes be ebony black." Keep writing until, if you read it out loud, it would sound like someone be telling you a scary story. For example, if someone was reading it to you, they would say aloud this to make it scarier: "...but I ran in the conflicting direction. As I looked into the trees, it seemed like anything could be lurking in their depthless shadows." as dead set against this: "but I ran the opposite way..." Source(s): Aspiring author :)
It's a good story. Though, you need to check for you grammar and spelling mistakes.
Answers: Very spine chilling i'll give you that, a new house beside a dark secret just beg to be read.
If I may suggest that you may want to give more of a physical description of the other boy, like his clothes were ripped and have spots of blood stains or something.
Perhaps describe more of what the character is feeling too, like "my heart stopped for a few second." I'm one of those people that wants to be the character, but otherwise it is amazingly suspenseful, so far. Your cliff hanger end there wants me to read more as ably. Keep it up, it real good!
cool, but whoose the boy?
It wants to be shorter.
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Today is my uncles 21st birthday, so my whole family is going to his know house, in Newchester(idk). He has a giant house with a forest of trees contained by his backyard.
We finally arrived to his house. It was bigger than I expected. An elevator inside the house. My mind was still wandering about this house, and I have an ominus feeling when I went into the backyard. It was nightime, and I'm a bit of an explorer, so I go into the woods.
"Starsha?" that was my mother. Oh I forgot to intreduce myself. My name is Starsha Jones (idk) I'm 15 years old, the just thing you need to know about me is that I'm a traveller. So anyways, I went into the woods and I let my mind wander. I be playing a murder in my head and I was pretending the things around me be bodies and tools. I Walked over to one tree burrowed in leaves, so I started to dig. I felt a strange stringy bits and pieces rubbing my skin and I noticed it was a curly blonde hair, but it wasn't mine. My fleece is brown and straight. I kept digging. I thought that I was still in the murder in my go before, but the game had escaped into real enthusiasm. A small girl lay burried under the trees. I stood astonished, I couldn't elieve my eyes. I couldn't forget her face. Pale face blue oral cavity, curly blonde hair. I didn't know what to do, so I screamed. Next thing I know, it be silent again, nobody was coming nobody could hear me, but then I heard a crunch losing me. It was the breaking of a twig. When I turned, there was a boy. He be small, and he just walked around me in circles. He have tear stains, on his porcelain looking face. "who are you," I asked. The boy ran, and so did I, but I run the opposite way..
This is just the setting up how is it??
That's awesome! I could really picture this in my head and be already getting freaked out!! The first few sentences don't seen necessary, but other than that, great work!
first off, within your first sentence "today is my uncles 21st birthday, so my whole family is going to his knew house, surrounded by Newchester", there is a spelling mistake. "knew" should be new.
other than that, it looks similar to it is good.
That's really good, but instead of saying, "Oh I forgot to introduce myself..." at the beginning of the story merely say, "My name is Starsha Jones. My uncle is having a housewarming knees-up (?) at his new house. I didn't know anyone at the party, and I got bored, so I begin to wander around the woods behind his house..." and continue the rest of the story. Writing take perserverance, so don't give up. That's a good storyline. Also remember to add emotion to your characters, such as, "He had tear stains on his porcelain-like face. "Who are you?" I asked, my voice newly a whisper in the still night." And if these two children are going to be significant contained by the story, describe them some more. You could say,"He was small, pale, and his eyes be ebony black." Keep writing until, if you read it out loud, it would sound like someone be telling you a scary story. For example, if someone was reading it to you, they would say aloud this to make it scarier: "...but I ran in the conflicting direction. As I looked into the trees, it seemed like anything could be lurking in their depthless shadows." as dead set against this: "but I ran the opposite way..." Source(s): Aspiring author :)
It's a good story. Though, you need to check for you grammar and spelling mistakes.
Answers: Very spine chilling i'll give you that, a new house beside a dark secret just beg to be read.
If I may suggest that you may want to give more of a physical description of the other boy, like his clothes were ripped and have spots of blood stains or something.
Perhaps describe more of what the character is feeling too, like "my heart stopped for a few second." I'm one of those people that wants to be the character, but otherwise it is amazingly suspenseful, so far. Your cliff hanger end there wants me to read more as ably. Keep it up, it real good!
cool, but whoose the boy?
It wants to be shorter.
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