Is it run of the mill to be afraid that my baby's birth mother will come fund for her?
My baby is 16 months old now, she's my niece, I'm afraid that her Mom will come support into her life and tell me she wants her vertebrae. She hasn't seen her since my daughter was 6 months old, and while the mother lives near the same guy who got her pregnant, he has never made and physical exertion to see her!
I think its very everyday to feel that way... I don't get how parents can only just not care about their kids... Mine are my whole natural life. Thank you for adopting her and giving her everything she needs.. Stability and someone who loves her unconditionally.
She will eventually want to see her mom Im sure, but it has to be the right time and you hold to make sure she is okay and healthy.. Source(s): My mom gave me away too
While I have not walked within your shoes, I am absolutely positive that I would fear the same kind of things. It is normal, simply because, you love your daughter so very much, that you cant bear the opening of anything ever taking her away from you, and so you start seeing her birth mother as a threat of a way in which this might happen.
While in that is simply no telling how the birth mother will feel with time (I cannot conjure up not regretting giving up your child, but that is coming from someone who cannot imagine giving them up in the first place)
the point is, YOU are the one rasiing this little girl and you are the one who know her better than anyone else and YOU are her mom. Legally also, you are protected.
It would be normal for your little girl to grow up one day and be curious about her birth mother, but save for a curiousity, it will be impossible to ever replace her true love for you as her mom - all the memories you shared, all the times you took care of her when she wasn't economically or lonely or afraid, all the things you taught her and on and on. Her birth mother will end up mortal nothing but a stranger. And your daughter will be grateful to you for raising her and being her true mom.
So, try to push the fears aside, and instead delight in every single day with your wonderful child and make it count. Every year, create those amazing memories she will later cherish so much.
And I wish you all the drastically best together!
If this is a consuming worry of yours, you ought to address to a therapist. He/She could help you sort out your feelings.
Normal? Yes. But I don't think it's strong. Your daughter is the one who will bear the scars of you holding on too tight and obsessing over this.
I could be supportive with you until the Baby Mama edit. how crass. how demeaning. Your child's first mom did wrong by her. Yes. But first mom is also part of your daughter. I, approaching others, hope you don't say that anywhere near your daughter, or in any method that she can find out what you think of her heritage. Anger like this isn't beneficial for your daughter at all.
Your infertility isn't your daughters' or her first mothers' responsibility. Harsh yes, but I be raised by someone to whom I was a bandaid for her infertility and it caused no small amount of resentment.
Normal? Yes.
Healthy? Not so much.
It is normal to feel this way..
It sounds close to you adopted your baby from the state, not your niece so she has no permissible right to the child.
When a child is adopted through my state, parental rights are terminated first, by the court. A parent may initiate this by reliquishing the rights, but the state still terminates the rights...The child then become a ward of the state as the parents legally do not exist, when the child is adopted it is adopted from the state.the state is approaching a wall.even if a parent pulls it together and changes their mind it makes NO difference because the child was not properly theirs to begin with.
This is different than a private adoption where parents also voluntarily reliquish their rights. In those cases, within is typically no finding of fact that the parents are unfit. There are different statutes used.
Also, in my state, if a child has be placed in a home for over a year, they become what is called "the pyscohological parent." This means they hold legal rights AND the court must show that removing a child from the home is clearly in the best interest of the child.
That stifle was really unnecessary. I hope you never, ever speak that way to/in front of your daughter. She's STILL her mother, even if she wasn't the best mother. Keep in mind that your daughter bear half of her mother's DNA, so when you talk bad something like her mother, you're talking bad about her, too. That's the approach it gets interpreted in children's brains.
And your daughter has NOTHING to do near your infertility. I'm sorry that you can't have children. It is not this child's responsibility to be the child you can't have. That's an enormous burden to place on a child.
No wonder you're afraid. Your conscience must be drinking at you something awful. Please read up on what it's like to be an adoptee and a first parent. You need some lessons within empathy, big time.
Therapy may help you near the fear and anger you're harboring..its not a good environment for children to live in or enjoy to deal with.
Answers: "Normal" is a difficult term to apply in this situation. Is your fear "defensible?" might be a better question. Based on what you've written, there probably isn't a reason to be concerned. After this much time, the adoption is final (yes?) & have been so for quite some time. Even if she did come back, she wouldn't expected have a legal reason to request the adoption be dissolved.
Unfortunately, next to all the media hype about the massively FEW cases when a birth parent has changed their mind - usually within the legal time allowed for a parent to do so - it's regularly been drug out through courts (& media circus) for several years by the prospective adoptive parents who refused to return the child amidst dueling bench & across state lines. However, those cases are RARE. Something like less than .1 percent of new born adoption are "disrupted" by a birth parent.
The majority of adoption that are disrupted are the decision of the adopting parents, usually when adopting an elder child (over 5). I'm sure I'll get a lot of thumbs down for mentioning this statistic. But those are the statistics available at the government's website listed below.
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/s…
That said, your daughter will other have two moms. That doesn't mean she will ever love you any less. Just as if you enjoy more than one child, you would not love one less than the other (hopefully). Keep your heart open. One day your daughter may want to unite her 1st mom. And what a loving gift you'll have to give her!
Imagine how you would perceive giving up a child - even believing it's in her best interest. Would your heart not ache? Would you stop wondering about her? Loving her? Put yourself contained by your daughter's 1st mother's shoes. When you find compassion for the loss she's experienced, you may loose your own fear. Or at least some of it.
Read the book, "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. I found it at my local library. It may help you think through things from her point of view.
Blessings.
ETA: Why do AP's feel the need to demonize birth parents?! "Baby Mama"? Seriously! I hope your daughter NEVER hear you speak that way. Children form 1/2 their identity from their parents (including messages about birth parents). If you want to ensure that you're daughter feel's bad going on for a part of who she is, speak of her 1st mom just like that surrounded by her presence. If only to make yourself "look good" and feel better and to consent to her know just how grateful she should be b/c you "saved" her. What a crock!
If she was 16 (a minor) where be HER parents to ensure she received medical care? She needed counseling b/c her 'hygiene' was lacking? OMG! You MUST be comedy! Sounds more like she may have had some heartfelt issues and/or learning difficulties.
She was 16 & uninterested surrounded by her pregnancy? Hmmm...scared maybe? In denial? Pretending it wasn't true & hoping it wouldn't be so?
If she pushed the baby bad the bed, breaking her collar bone (purposely, not on accident) then she should have gone to jail for child harm. PERIOD. If she didn't spend time in jail, the story seems suspect.
YOU are the one who will potential scare and confuse your daughter (with that kind of homily & attitude)!! You do need counseling. In part b/c you may have never fully grieved the "loss" of your own fertility. In subdivision b/c your "fears" of losing your daughter border on obsessive and are not healthy for you or her.
Speaking as an adoptee who was also allegedly "rescued" (untrue per court records); be expected to be 'grateful'; who's 1st mother was called names to my facade, then compared to me. And BTW - was pregnant @ 16 with my 1st child (born after I turned 17). Tho her dad & I married, it be a scary time & at times I wished I could turn back the clock. Source(s): BSE adoptee joyfully reunited in 1983
"Baby Mama"? Seriously? It reminds me of that silly movie.
I think it is very normal to have a feeling that way about someone you love with adjectives your heart. Most people are afraid of losing the people they love or someone harming their children. If its purely a small worry/fear I'd say its normal. If its all consuming and interferes next to raising your daughter, working, etc then it becomes a problem and it may be perceptive to see some help in working through that so you can be the kind of mom you want for your daughter.
If it be me I would be worried too especially seeing how there was already child abuse and injury at such a babyish age. If she came back into your daughters life near that same type of attitude and endangered your daughter again that would be an issue. If she came back and have become a more responsible/caring individual that would be great for your daughter to be able to form some type of relationship with her original mom. Legally though if you did the adoption through proper channel (like it sounds you did) then you have nothing to verbs about as far as her being legally competent to take her daughter back.
God bless Robin. I could never hold said it as well as she did.
Legally she can't have her support. Eventually your daughter will want to have contact with her, that's normal and raw. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but she will want to know her mom too.
Wishing you well.
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I think its very everyday to feel that way... I don't get how parents can only just not care about their kids... Mine are my whole natural life. Thank you for adopting her and giving her everything she needs.. Stability and someone who loves her unconditionally.
She will eventually want to see her mom Im sure, but it has to be the right time and you hold to make sure she is okay and healthy.. Source(s): My mom gave me away too
While I have not walked within your shoes, I am absolutely positive that I would fear the same kind of things. It is normal, simply because, you love your daughter so very much, that you cant bear the opening of anything ever taking her away from you, and so you start seeing her birth mother as a threat of a way in which this might happen.
While in that is simply no telling how the birth mother will feel with time (I cannot conjure up not regretting giving up your child, but that is coming from someone who cannot imagine giving them up in the first place)
the point is, YOU are the one rasiing this little girl and you are the one who know her better than anyone else and YOU are her mom. Legally also, you are protected.
It would be normal for your little girl to grow up one day and be curious about her birth mother, but save for a curiousity, it will be impossible to ever replace her true love for you as her mom - all the memories you shared, all the times you took care of her when she wasn't economically or lonely or afraid, all the things you taught her and on and on. Her birth mother will end up mortal nothing but a stranger. And your daughter will be grateful to you for raising her and being her true mom.
So, try to push the fears aside, and instead delight in every single day with your wonderful child and make it count. Every year, create those amazing memories she will later cherish so much.
And I wish you all the drastically best together!
If this is a consuming worry of yours, you ought to address to a therapist. He/She could help you sort out your feelings.
Normal? Yes. But I don't think it's strong. Your daughter is the one who will bear the scars of you holding on too tight and obsessing over this.
I could be supportive with you until the Baby Mama edit. how crass. how demeaning. Your child's first mom did wrong by her. Yes. But first mom is also part of your daughter. I, approaching others, hope you don't say that anywhere near your daughter, or in any method that she can find out what you think of her heritage. Anger like this isn't beneficial for your daughter at all.
Your infertility isn't your daughters' or her first mothers' responsibility. Harsh yes, but I be raised by someone to whom I was a bandaid for her infertility and it caused no small amount of resentment.
Normal? Yes.
Healthy? Not so much.
It is normal to feel this way..
It sounds close to you adopted your baby from the state, not your niece so she has no permissible right to the child.
When a child is adopted through my state, parental rights are terminated first, by the court. A parent may initiate this by reliquishing the rights, but the state still terminates the rights...The child then become a ward of the state as the parents legally do not exist, when the child is adopted it is adopted from the state.the state is approaching a wall.even if a parent pulls it together and changes their mind it makes NO difference because the child was not properly theirs to begin with.
This is different than a private adoption where parents also voluntarily reliquish their rights. In those cases, within is typically no finding of fact that the parents are unfit. There are different statutes used.
Also, in my state, if a child has be placed in a home for over a year, they become what is called "the pyscohological parent." This means they hold legal rights AND the court must show that removing a child from the home is clearly in the best interest of the child.
That stifle was really unnecessary. I hope you never, ever speak that way to/in front of your daughter. She's STILL her mother, even if she wasn't the best mother. Keep in mind that your daughter bear half of her mother's DNA, so when you talk bad something like her mother, you're talking bad about her, too. That's the approach it gets interpreted in children's brains.
And your daughter has NOTHING to do near your infertility. I'm sorry that you can't have children. It is not this child's responsibility to be the child you can't have. That's an enormous burden to place on a child.
No wonder you're afraid. Your conscience must be drinking at you something awful. Please read up on what it's like to be an adoptee and a first parent. You need some lessons within empathy, big time.
Therapy may help you near the fear and anger you're harboring..its not a good environment for children to live in or enjoy to deal with.
Answers: "Normal" is a difficult term to apply in this situation. Is your fear "defensible?" might be a better question. Based on what you've written, there probably isn't a reason to be concerned. After this much time, the adoption is final (yes?) & have been so for quite some time. Even if she did come back, she wouldn't expected have a legal reason to request the adoption be dissolved.
Unfortunately, next to all the media hype about the massively FEW cases when a birth parent has changed their mind - usually within the legal time allowed for a parent to do so - it's regularly been drug out through courts (& media circus) for several years by the prospective adoptive parents who refused to return the child amidst dueling bench & across state lines. However, those cases are RARE. Something like less than .1 percent of new born adoption are "disrupted" by a birth parent.
The majority of adoption that are disrupted are the decision of the adopting parents, usually when adopting an elder child (over 5). I'm sure I'll get a lot of thumbs down for mentioning this statistic. But those are the statistics available at the government's website listed below.
http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/s…
That said, your daughter will other have two moms. That doesn't mean she will ever love you any less. Just as if you enjoy more than one child, you would not love one less than the other (hopefully). Keep your heart open. One day your daughter may want to unite her 1st mom. And what a loving gift you'll have to give her!
Imagine how you would perceive giving up a child - even believing it's in her best interest. Would your heart not ache? Would you stop wondering about her? Loving her? Put yourself contained by your daughter's 1st mother's shoes. When you find compassion for the loss she's experienced, you may loose your own fear. Or at least some of it.
Read the book, "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. I found it at my local library. It may help you think through things from her point of view.
Blessings.
ETA: Why do AP's feel the need to demonize birth parents?! "Baby Mama"? Seriously! I hope your daughter NEVER hear you speak that way. Children form 1/2 their identity from their parents (including messages about birth parents). If you want to ensure that you're daughter feel's bad going on for a part of who she is, speak of her 1st mom just like that surrounded by her presence. If only to make yourself "look good" and feel better and to consent to her know just how grateful she should be b/c you "saved" her. What a crock!
If she was 16 (a minor) where be HER parents to ensure she received medical care? She needed counseling b/c her 'hygiene' was lacking? OMG! You MUST be comedy! Sounds more like she may have had some heartfelt issues and/or learning difficulties.
She was 16 & uninterested surrounded by her pregnancy? Hmmm...scared maybe? In denial? Pretending it wasn't true & hoping it wouldn't be so?
If she pushed the baby bad the bed, breaking her collar bone (purposely, not on accident) then she should have gone to jail for child harm. PERIOD. If she didn't spend time in jail, the story seems suspect.
YOU are the one who will potential scare and confuse your daughter (with that kind of homily & attitude)!! You do need counseling. In part b/c you may have never fully grieved the "loss" of your own fertility. In subdivision b/c your "fears" of losing your daughter border on obsessive and are not healthy for you or her.
Speaking as an adoptee who was also allegedly "rescued" (untrue per court records); be expected to be 'grateful'; who's 1st mother was called names to my facade, then compared to me. And BTW - was pregnant @ 16 with my 1st child (born after I turned 17). Tho her dad & I married, it be a scary time & at times I wished I could turn back the clock. Source(s): BSE adoptee joyfully reunited in 1983
"Baby Mama"? Seriously? It reminds me of that silly movie.
I think it is very normal to have a feeling that way about someone you love with adjectives your heart. Most people are afraid of losing the people they love or someone harming their children. If its purely a small worry/fear I'd say its normal. If its all consuming and interferes next to raising your daughter, working, etc then it becomes a problem and it may be perceptive to see some help in working through that so you can be the kind of mom you want for your daughter.
If it be me I would be worried too especially seeing how there was already child abuse and injury at such a babyish age. If she came back into your daughters life near that same type of attitude and endangered your daughter again that would be an issue. If she came back and have become a more responsible/caring individual that would be great for your daughter to be able to form some type of relationship with her original mom. Legally though if you did the adoption through proper channel (like it sounds you did) then you have nothing to verbs about as far as her being legally competent to take her daughter back.
God bless Robin. I could never hold said it as well as she did.
Legally she can't have her support. Eventually your daughter will want to have contact with her, that's normal and raw. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but she will want to know her mom too.
Wishing you well.
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