Has this ever happen to you: your child denying they be adopt?
It is our 1-year anniversary of adopting our son from foster care and he is a happy, in shape, adorable little man who we love with everything. He's now 3 and while everything seems to be going wonderfully, he just this minute proclaimed that he didn't know what we were talking about when we mentioned his adoption. We speak of adoption greatly, so it wouldn't be news (our daughter is from China), but he said that he wasn't adopted. He wasn't angry or anxious. He said it very thing of fact. "I'm not 'dopted, silly."
Due to a history of abuse, he continues to see a child psychologist who believes this is a phase; something he needs to do to separate himself from days gone by and move on. He has suggested we simply go along next to our son's assertion that he is not adopted. We don't have to agree; we just wouldn't stand up to it.
This makes us uncomfortable as that would be a lie and also would be confusing to our daughter who is also adopt and who knows her little brother was adopted. We for sure don't want our daughter to be a party to a lie by not challenging her little brother on his adopted-ness any.
I am curious if other adoptive parents have experienced this and how you handled it. This Q would obviously be plain to adoptees as well.
Nope, my kids know where they come from and are empowered by it. It is a regular part of conversation for us. This said, I know when projects come up at conservatory about family, they like to "pretend" we are "normal" and not bring up adoption.
So I told them we won't flop about how our family is created, but if they want to not share their story that is okay too.
And a three year elderly, if that is what he wants to believe right now, next that is okay. YOu keep talking surrounded by language of adoption, and it will be fine.
My daughter is very proud that she is adopted. When she came to us she thought we would be resembling everyone else she had lived with in natural life. we told her we would be her forever family and has left miscellaneous letters and notes around the home on her visits maxim how much she loved us and thanking us for not quitting on her.
Answers: Hi Kazi,
My 3.5 yr. old insists she grew in my tummy, approaching her two new baby cousins grew in their Mommy's (her Aunts') tummys, even though she know better. I don't push it, but I do just matter-of-factly correct it and remind her that she grew in her MaMa's tummy, not Mommy's. I think it's a adjectives thing. 3 is an imaginative age, and 3 yr. olds blur the line between what they want to be true and what is true. That is everyday. I definitely wouldn't "go along with it" as your analyst suggests, but you don't have to push it and make him declare "Yes, I know I'm adopt." Just keep matter-of-factly giving correct information. I honestly don't know how his history of abuse might be affecting what he's doing, but it sounds pretty normal and adjectives to me for his age.
I also think this sounds totally normal. My daughter did something similar at in the order of age 2 1\2. She has known she was adopt since before she could actually say the word, but at 2 1/2 come home from daycare telling me she grew in my tummy. A friend at daycare was getting a trial little sister that was growing in his mommy's tummy. I gently corrected her, that no she didn't grow contained by my tummy but in another women's tummy. She argued with me that day, and I agree to it go. For about a month she insisted she grew in my tummy, and would be visibly upset when I told her no, she grew contained by another women's tummy. After that period of time she seemed to accept it and presently (at 4) will proudly tell me how she grew in O***'s tummy before she come to be my little girl.
IMO, it is just a sign of them trying to make sense of their world and relate it to what they see around them. Preschoolers are very creative and it is hard for them to always distinguish between what is real and what isn't TRUE. Also, when they are so young it is hard to know what they really understand. It may be that at 2 1/2 for my daughter and at 3 for your son is when their thinking skills are catching up near the words we've have taught them about their histories. They are in recent times now understanding that adoption means they didn't come from our tummies as their friends come from their mommy's tummys. Their initial reaction to being different is to deny it. That may be way rotten, but that was my take when it came up near my daughter.
My first instinct is to tell you to get a new analyst. Therapists should never collude with their clients like that, nor should they encourage loved ones members to do so. Unless there is a very tangible chance of your son incurring serious mental or emotional damage when you correct him, letting him verbs in that sort of denial and even encouraging it to occur does not sound well and I can't imagine ever suggesting that to a client. So that is my main suggestion. Get a brand new therapist.
Other than that, I really like how Linny G phrased it. Talk to him about it and in the region of how you understand that it may be difficult to be adopted and that you understand why sometimes he would want to pretend that he isn't adopt, but that being adopted is a part of who he is and it doesn't move his status in the family and all that. Just provide him near a safe space to talk about that and acknowledge why he may be notion that way.
I don't find that strange at all. You could tell I be adopted because I look so different from my family, but you could not tell like of my sister. I told her she wasn't adopted all the time. I actually believed it at one point.
Your son probably only wants to fit in with your relatives and may wish he was not adopted and that he be your natural son. I wished that many times over the course of my childhood. Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized full-size adoptee
MY son has done something similar. When we were describing the kids their birth stories, he insisted that "I not her live in her belly, her made me sick". That tells me that he DOES know he was is her belly, but is hurt (emotionally too) by what happen there. This was days of him being diagnosed beside FAS and having the geneticist point and tilt his face and body. I think that's when he unspoken what was different about him and why. Now he will ask about his birth story again and a moment ago smile, I think he was just PI$$ed in the order of the doctors visit.
In the future we will as the doctor to save his comments for when he's not surrounded by the room. Even at 3 they are listening more than we know.
Many adoptees do this. I did it for a while, just because I didn't want to be different than everyone I know. It's painful and uncomfortable when we start to grasp the concept of adoption. If there be abuse or neglect, I think it's even harder on the adoptee.
It could also be that if he is a different see than his sister, but the same as you (Im not sure I remember your son's story) it may not be as obvious that he is adopted, where on earth it is very obvious his sister is. My a bro did that with me- told relatives he wasn't adopted, but I was- he looked similar to our ap's, but I looked like no one.
Its freshly something you need to talk with him in the region of. Just let him know that yes, it makes him different, and it's ok for him to sometimes wish he wasn't adopt, but that you will love him just as much on the days he feels like that, but he should not lie back.
I dont agree with his therapist. I think I would be looking for a exotic one. Denying your own existence is a dangerous thing to do, not matter how stinging it may be, even at the young age of 3.
eta- Sophia brought up an excellent point, when she said "her daughter accepted it as soon as she realized that have another mom did not mean that she had to leave her."
It's that intact loss thing. Its very confusing to a child. I mean, if you mull over of it from their point- "Moms love their kids. I had another Mom. She loved me... but now I have a brand new mom and Dad. Will they leave, too?" Sometimes it's just easier for kids to deny their adopted. Sometimes, we gross up these outlandish stories about our first parents, like they were distinguished, or that they died because they were attacked by tigers on a safari. Loss can make kids do strange things, no matter how great our family are.
A few adoptees I have talked to had similar stages of lying. First, they denied their adoption completely. Next, they said their first Mom was coming back for them, then they said that their first Mom have died. I think only when they can truly understand it adjectives, will they be totally comfortable with their truth. Sometimes, its not until they are adults. But just hearing from our ap's that it's OK to be disconsolate, and that you understand that we wish it could have worked out, but at one and the same time you realize our feelings have nothing to do near our love for you, helps more than you will realize right now. Source(s): my life
Yep. My four year old did it when she was three. She would shift so far as to tell her bio brother (who we also adopted) that I was her mom and not his, he had a different mom. Now we never hide the fact that they are adopted. My son remembers everything about his mother. My daughter however have little memory, although she was severely neglected and starved and witnessed a great deal of violence formerly the age of two.
I just would gently correct her by telling her that I be mommy to both of them, and that they BOTH also had another mommy. As she turned four she understood it a lot better and standard it as soon as she realized that having another mom did not mean that she have to leave me.
Now as she turns five, she speaks of her adoption with great interest, and accepts it as a certainty of her life. There could be another stage of denial at a different age, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Kazi-
Good question, I'm worried about like thing with my own eldest daughter who is about 21/2. she not long got into a photo album and brought to me a picture of me when I was younger she smiled and said. "Mummy...look like me!" Okay we do own similar eyes. But that a coincidence. I got out a picture of her first mum and said..."Tummy mummy...she looks like you. See you have like hair and smile." She shook her head as if she didn't believe it and pointed at me and said."My mummy."
(It doesn't help that my husband have dimples in his cheeks and she does too. They both have strong German in their inheritance. My husband is predominately German, its a strong gene!) And when I go out people look at us say...You kids look so much resembling you...(not knowing they're adopted, this is strangers.) You would think its an advantage but not other when explaining adoption to a child.
I'm trying not to make to much out of it just yet, she's a moment ago a little kid after all still learning to express herself and work out how we adjectives fit into her life. (Keeping it simple for a 2yr old.) I won't push it, its a gradual understanding after adjectives.
It could just be him trying to understand what adoption is in his existence. I my little girls I think its just another word at the moment. Bring it up again with him, if he say the same thing again you might have to humanely quiz him to find out why he's denying it or is he just role playing. It could be another kid said something to him. At 3 a lot of things could be going through his mind in trying to fathom out things in his world.
All the best. Source(s): adoptive mum.
My children own all done this at one point. My middle child is now insisting that my youngest is my natural child (who incidentally looks nought like my husband or me).
My oldest child was 7 when we adopted the sibling group, have vivd memories of his first parents, yet in the same breath of discussion about them would turn and ask me what he was like as a tot. He is also in therapy because of severe childhood abuse. My child's first shrink said something similar. I had questions about her anyway, so I did large research and found a new therapist. She said something incredibly similar. For our child, the first parents were associated so closely with the abuse that he was powerless to believe that his parents were also people who made really bad choices. In cases of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) the knob is to get kids to be able to understand and detail their story without the fear, anger, etc. Sometimes this is about re-creating a better story. We stopped correcting him, but surrounded by therapy every week he tells his story or I tell him the story while working beside EDMR or other play/art techniques and he has pretty much stopped insisting that I am his biological mother.
I never lied to my child, I would simply turn the question stern on him without affirming the truth of his question/statement. If he asked, "What was I like as a kid?" I simply said, "I would love to know. Please tell me what you were like," and he would after tell me all about his super-baby exploits positive the world in diapers (rarely was he interested in the truth of the situation). My youngest go through a similar phase at 3 (and he was 3 when he arrived into the family) and still does this occassionally. When he says things like pointing to my tummy and adage "I used to live there." I say, "You did? I don't remember that, you'll have to transmit me about it."
After each child gets through describing whichever story, I smile and say, "That's just a story, right?" and they smile and say yes and verbs on their day. We add in to that a forceful dose of pictures from their lives before us (pictures of their friends and caregivers) as well as written stories about adoption and their story which they adjectives tell together. But not at the same time--so that we are not actively telling them that they are wrong, but only just making sure they know their history as well as allowing them to come to terms with a investigational identity.
They are trying to work out their place in the family as well as a spanking new identity. Once I decided to allow the creativity without affirming it, they children began to relax and they adjectives have lessened the intensity of the biological argument.
I'm not sure if this will help, but it has be great for our children. Good luck--it sounds like he has a mother who wants exceedingly much to give him access to his identity and comfort him.
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Due to a history of abuse, he continues to see a child psychologist who believes this is a phase; something he needs to do to separate himself from days gone by and move on. He has suggested we simply go along next to our son's assertion that he is not adopted. We don't have to agree; we just wouldn't stand up to it.
This makes us uncomfortable as that would be a lie and also would be confusing to our daughter who is also adopt and who knows her little brother was adopted. We for sure don't want our daughter to be a party to a lie by not challenging her little brother on his adopted-ness any.
I am curious if other adoptive parents have experienced this and how you handled it. This Q would obviously be plain to adoptees as well.
Nope, my kids know where they come from and are empowered by it. It is a regular part of conversation for us. This said, I know when projects come up at conservatory about family, they like to "pretend" we are "normal" and not bring up adoption.
So I told them we won't flop about how our family is created, but if they want to not share their story that is okay too.
And a three year elderly, if that is what he wants to believe right now, next that is okay. YOu keep talking surrounded by language of adoption, and it will be fine.
My daughter is very proud that she is adopted. When she came to us she thought we would be resembling everyone else she had lived with in natural life. we told her we would be her forever family and has left miscellaneous letters and notes around the home on her visits maxim how much she loved us and thanking us for not quitting on her.
Answers: Hi Kazi,
My 3.5 yr. old insists she grew in my tummy, approaching her two new baby cousins grew in their Mommy's (her Aunts') tummys, even though she know better. I don't push it, but I do just matter-of-factly correct it and remind her that she grew in her MaMa's tummy, not Mommy's. I think it's a adjectives thing. 3 is an imaginative age, and 3 yr. olds blur the line between what they want to be true and what is true. That is everyday. I definitely wouldn't "go along with it" as your analyst suggests, but you don't have to push it and make him declare "Yes, I know I'm adopt." Just keep matter-of-factly giving correct information. I honestly don't know how his history of abuse might be affecting what he's doing, but it sounds pretty normal and adjectives to me for his age.
I also think this sounds totally normal. My daughter did something similar at in the order of age 2 1\2. She has known she was adopt since before she could actually say the word, but at 2 1/2 come home from daycare telling me she grew in my tummy. A friend at daycare was getting a trial little sister that was growing in his mommy's tummy. I gently corrected her, that no she didn't grow contained by my tummy but in another women's tummy. She argued with me that day, and I agree to it go. For about a month she insisted she grew in my tummy, and would be visibly upset when I told her no, she grew contained by another women's tummy. After that period of time she seemed to accept it and presently (at 4) will proudly tell me how she grew in O***'s tummy before she come to be my little girl.
IMO, it is just a sign of them trying to make sense of their world and relate it to what they see around them. Preschoolers are very creative and it is hard for them to always distinguish between what is real and what isn't TRUE. Also, when they are so young it is hard to know what they really understand. It may be that at 2 1/2 for my daughter and at 3 for your son is when their thinking skills are catching up near the words we've have taught them about their histories. They are in recent times now understanding that adoption means they didn't come from our tummies as their friends come from their mommy's tummys. Their initial reaction to being different is to deny it. That may be way rotten, but that was my take when it came up near my daughter.
My first instinct is to tell you to get a new analyst. Therapists should never collude with their clients like that, nor should they encourage loved ones members to do so. Unless there is a very tangible chance of your son incurring serious mental or emotional damage when you correct him, letting him verbs in that sort of denial and even encouraging it to occur does not sound well and I can't imagine ever suggesting that to a client. So that is my main suggestion. Get a brand new therapist.
Other than that, I really like how Linny G phrased it. Talk to him about it and in the region of how you understand that it may be difficult to be adopted and that you understand why sometimes he would want to pretend that he isn't adopt, but that being adopted is a part of who he is and it doesn't move his status in the family and all that. Just provide him near a safe space to talk about that and acknowledge why he may be notion that way.
I don't find that strange at all. You could tell I be adopted because I look so different from my family, but you could not tell like of my sister. I told her she wasn't adopted all the time. I actually believed it at one point.
Your son probably only wants to fit in with your relatives and may wish he was not adopted and that he be your natural son. I wished that many times over the course of my childhood. Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized full-size adoptee
MY son has done something similar. When we were describing the kids their birth stories, he insisted that "I not her live in her belly, her made me sick". That tells me that he DOES know he was is her belly, but is hurt (emotionally too) by what happen there. This was days of him being diagnosed beside FAS and having the geneticist point and tilt his face and body. I think that's when he unspoken what was different about him and why. Now he will ask about his birth story again and a moment ago smile, I think he was just PI$$ed in the order of the doctors visit.
In the future we will as the doctor to save his comments for when he's not surrounded by the room. Even at 3 they are listening more than we know.
Many adoptees do this. I did it for a while, just because I didn't want to be different than everyone I know. It's painful and uncomfortable when we start to grasp the concept of adoption. If there be abuse or neglect, I think it's even harder on the adoptee.
It could also be that if he is a different see than his sister, but the same as you (Im not sure I remember your son's story) it may not be as obvious that he is adopted, where on earth it is very obvious his sister is. My a bro did that with me- told relatives he wasn't adopted, but I was- he looked similar to our ap's, but I looked like no one.
Its freshly something you need to talk with him in the region of. Just let him know that yes, it makes him different, and it's ok for him to sometimes wish he wasn't adopt, but that you will love him just as much on the days he feels like that, but he should not lie back.
I dont agree with his therapist. I think I would be looking for a exotic one. Denying your own existence is a dangerous thing to do, not matter how stinging it may be, even at the young age of 3.
eta- Sophia brought up an excellent point, when she said "her daughter accepted it as soon as she realized that have another mom did not mean that she had to leave her."
It's that intact loss thing. Its very confusing to a child. I mean, if you mull over of it from their point- "Moms love their kids. I had another Mom. She loved me... but now I have a brand new mom and Dad. Will they leave, too?" Sometimes it's just easier for kids to deny their adopted. Sometimes, we gross up these outlandish stories about our first parents, like they were distinguished, or that they died because they were attacked by tigers on a safari. Loss can make kids do strange things, no matter how great our family are.
A few adoptees I have talked to had similar stages of lying. First, they denied their adoption completely. Next, they said their first Mom was coming back for them, then they said that their first Mom have died. I think only when they can truly understand it adjectives, will they be totally comfortable with their truth. Sometimes, its not until they are adults. But just hearing from our ap's that it's OK to be disconsolate, and that you understand that we wish it could have worked out, but at one and the same time you realize our feelings have nothing to do near our love for you, helps more than you will realize right now. Source(s): my life
Yep. My four year old did it when she was three. She would shift so far as to tell her bio brother (who we also adopted) that I was her mom and not his, he had a different mom. Now we never hide the fact that they are adopted. My son remembers everything about his mother. My daughter however have little memory, although she was severely neglected and starved and witnessed a great deal of violence formerly the age of two.
I just would gently correct her by telling her that I be mommy to both of them, and that they BOTH also had another mommy. As she turned four she understood it a lot better and standard it as soon as she realized that having another mom did not mean that she have to leave me.
Now as she turns five, she speaks of her adoption with great interest, and accepts it as a certainty of her life. There could be another stage of denial at a different age, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Kazi-
Good question, I'm worried about like thing with my own eldest daughter who is about 21/2. she not long got into a photo album and brought to me a picture of me when I was younger she smiled and said. "Mummy...look like me!" Okay we do own similar eyes. But that a coincidence. I got out a picture of her first mum and said..."Tummy mummy...she looks like you. See you have like hair and smile." She shook her head as if she didn't believe it and pointed at me and said."My mummy."
(It doesn't help that my husband have dimples in his cheeks and she does too. They both have strong German in their inheritance. My husband is predominately German, its a strong gene!) And when I go out people look at us say...You kids look so much resembling you...(not knowing they're adopted, this is strangers.) You would think its an advantage but not other when explaining adoption to a child.
I'm trying not to make to much out of it just yet, she's a moment ago a little kid after all still learning to express herself and work out how we adjectives fit into her life. (Keeping it simple for a 2yr old.) I won't push it, its a gradual understanding after adjectives.
It could just be him trying to understand what adoption is in his existence. I my little girls I think its just another word at the moment. Bring it up again with him, if he say the same thing again you might have to humanely quiz him to find out why he's denying it or is he just role playing. It could be another kid said something to him. At 3 a lot of things could be going through his mind in trying to fathom out things in his world.
All the best. Source(s): adoptive mum.
My children own all done this at one point. My middle child is now insisting that my youngest is my natural child (who incidentally looks nought like my husband or me).
My oldest child was 7 when we adopted the sibling group, have vivd memories of his first parents, yet in the same breath of discussion about them would turn and ask me what he was like as a tot. He is also in therapy because of severe childhood abuse. My child's first shrink said something similar. I had questions about her anyway, so I did large research and found a new therapist. She said something incredibly similar. For our child, the first parents were associated so closely with the abuse that he was powerless to believe that his parents were also people who made really bad choices. In cases of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) the knob is to get kids to be able to understand and detail their story without the fear, anger, etc. Sometimes this is about re-creating a better story. We stopped correcting him, but surrounded by therapy every week he tells his story or I tell him the story while working beside EDMR or other play/art techniques and he has pretty much stopped insisting that I am his biological mother.
I never lied to my child, I would simply turn the question stern on him without affirming the truth of his question/statement. If he asked, "What was I like as a kid?" I simply said, "I would love to know. Please tell me what you were like," and he would after tell me all about his super-baby exploits positive the world in diapers (rarely was he interested in the truth of the situation). My youngest go through a similar phase at 3 (and he was 3 when he arrived into the family) and still does this occassionally. When he says things like pointing to my tummy and adage "I used to live there." I say, "You did? I don't remember that, you'll have to transmit me about it."
After each child gets through describing whichever story, I smile and say, "That's just a story, right?" and they smile and say yes and verbs on their day. We add in to that a forceful dose of pictures from their lives before us (pictures of their friends and caregivers) as well as written stories about adoption and their story which they adjectives tell together. But not at the same time--so that we are not actively telling them that they are wrong, but only just making sure they know their history as well as allowing them to come to terms with a investigational identity.
They are trying to work out their place in the family as well as a spanking new identity. Once I decided to allow the creativity without affirming it, they children began to relax and they adjectives have lessened the intensity of the biological argument.
I'm not sure if this will help, but it has be great for our children. Good luck--it sounds like he has a mother who wants exceedingly much to give him access to his identity and comfort him.
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