A.mom passed away - why am I crying?
I just found out that my a.mom passed away. We haven't had a relationship in over 12 years following the disappearance of my a.dad, when she "unadopted" me via voice mail. Throughout my life, she was emotionally, vocally & physically abusive. I shed enough tears in my energy because of that woman.
So why on earth do I have any tears left presently? Since we haven't had a relationship for over a decade, I'm not going to miss her. I didn't miss any opportunity to "mend fences". There were none to mend. I did all I could do surrounded by 37 years to get along with her, bond with her, be a suitable daughter to her. I could never expect to get an apology from her, either.
So, why the tears? Any ideas?
((((Robin))))
I agree beside a lot of what JM said. Mourning is such a complex process- we even mourn people who were horrible to us.
I, too, have an a Grandmother who always treated me less than the "real" grandkids. I cried when she died. I couldnt figure it out at the time, because I be still majorly fogged, but I do now.
I mourned for the little girl in me, who was red, humiliated and saddened by her behavior towards me and my a bro. No one should ever be treated that way. I also mourned for her, because I really believe that people who are so cruel must be truly tortured souls. I think we mourn for what could or SHOULD hold been.
That being said, my ap's are aging and I am their primary care patron. Its tough because there was so much abuse by my a dad from his drinking. He have been sober now for 16 years. I mourn what should have be with them- and they're still alive. I totally get your shedding tears your whole existence because of her mistreatment of you.
Im sorry..take care of you right now. Source(s): veracity
Maybe you're crying over the belief of losing a "mom-like" person. Since you haven't said if you have a relationship with your biological mother, possibly you're upset that your adopted mom was all the mom you have and you're mourning the loss of the possible potential and/or hope you had for a good relationship with your adopt mom. On the contrary, It could also be a cry of relief that the person who was impertinent to you is now gone to never cause you such personal pain. Either channel, you know you tried to be a good daughter and be happy with that.
She was piece of your life so matter what the relationship she was still your mother. I am so sorry you are awareness like this ((((hugs)))). Maybe the tears will have a healing effect on you, I hope so.
Because you care more than you realize---the same reason children cry when their biological mom dies---even tho that mom abused and neglected them. She was a indisputable part of your life-----she just didn't know how to parent in a natural way.
I think you loved her, I think you wish it could have been different, that you could have found a method to connect,[sometimes we can't].
I think it boils down to you LOVED her and wish she could and would have reach out to you. I'm so sorry. The tears are healthful though .
God bless you.
Finality can be hard to deal beside, even if the person who passed was awful to us. Sometimes, even when there be no chance, and everything that could have been done be, things can still sneak up and hit hard.
Take care of yourself
I similar to the way Heather Leigh put it: what should have been. She SHOULD hold been loving and nurturing, she SHOULDN'T have been discourteous. Even though you knew there was no randomness of ever having a good relationship with her, this make it final. Now, there is no chance, whatsoever, that she will ever be the mother she should have be.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grieving is difficult enough without adding surrounded by the confusion and pain of past abuse. (((HUG))) Take docile care of your precious self.
Answers: Because as a appropriate person with a good heart vast down you cared about her. It is something that abused children still do to both of their parents no matter how much they hurt you how unpromising they made you feel no matter how many bungled suicide attempts you made to get away from them you still love them because you are a good person
I am sorry for your pain.
No matter what, she be the "mother" that raised you. Just because she seemed to have no heart where on earth you were concerned doesn't mean that you have no heart.
Let the tears and grief come. Do doesn`t matter what it takes to make you feel better. Maybe even write her a missive letting out all of the feelings you have. Just start writing until you can write no more.next put up ot burn the letter, which ever feels right.
Maybe just pilfer a day or so to remember who she was, good and fruitless.
Whatever you decide to do, allow yuorself to feel whatever you quality, cry what ever...just take care of you.
*HUGS*
Even though she was not your biological mother, she had the role of mother surrounded by your life. We want/need certain things from our mothers...even if we never get them.
She's comatose now, and it is totally normal to grieve for what never was. People do it adjectives the time...so go ahead. You'd be doing the same thing if she be your biological parent. This happens in biological relationships all the time too.
You may be crying for yourself as a child, you may be only having a physical response to an emotional upset.the loss of a parent, even a bad one, is traumatic at any age.
It is frustrating that after adjectives your work she still in a sense had the last word..and that isn't petty...
What you want to try and remember is to not fall into the dead=saint trap. I'm not saying bask in what a desperate mother she was to you, but remember that just because she's dead, doesn't net what she did to you less real, less valid...or your failure now that she is dead.
Do not allow this woman to manipulate you from the grave...be in tears, do what you need to do. Source(s): My mother, while not adopted will go through matching thing soon. My grandmother is in her 90s and a TOXIC parent. She was vocally and physically abusive to my mother (although back then it be called discipline.with a razor strap!)
She is expect, ungrateful and manipulative to my mother.my uncles she's just has her general unpleasant demeanor...but she expects my mom, surrounded by her 70's to care for her 24/7 until the day she dies. Grandma is pooping and peeing everywhere and REFUSES to go to a nursing home and will right to be heard "that's what I had YOU for."
All the while she is mean and nasty...I love her, but she is...I'll pop in her weekly, but she's a b$*#h and has always been.
Anyway, I finally told my mom."You are slaughter yourself waiting for the day where she says 'Thank you. You're a angelic daughter.You did a good job with me.' It is NEVER EVER going to arise. She isn't capable has NEVER been practised of that kind of thing. It is HER not YOU."
No fun to say, but true!
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and pray for God to help ease your strain. Even when parents are not good parents I feel we still grieve their passing as it represents a factor of our lives, and a chapter of our innocence and childhood that is gone.
I wish you all the best next to healing. God bless. xx
grieving for what could have been, and what should hold been, in your relationship. grieving for the situation, that you were put within a family where you weren't able to bond...and presently it's too late, she's gone. grieving for the fact that you weren't kept in your unconscious family and able to grow up with your pure mother and experience life in a way that the rest of the world get to experience. Source(s): adult adoptee
Yes, I know why. You wanted so much for her to love you. You never get that from her. However you wanted it so badly. I know how this feels I hold the same relationship with my mom. Nothing is ever going to be right.
she be still your parent albeit not a good one but she is your parent. despite not liking her, you're still closing a chapter in your vivacity. it's not easy.
Is it possible that with her death, your childhood home will be put up for public sale? I didn't like to see my house sold and every once in awhile, i still drive past it to see what change the new owners have made.
i don't know -- there's a lot that go into it. please contact me privately.
I am sorry. :0( Even when a mom is a doomed to failure mom I think when they pass we still grieve to some extent. I think to be exact just normal. Just let yourself grieve it is okay even though she wasn't a honest person. :0(
First of adjectives, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you never had a good relationship next to your adopted mom. Even though you did not have a relationship with her, and you did everything you could to "mend the fences" you are most predictable grieving the loss of someone that you called "mom" even though that relationship was not healthy. Allow yourself to grieve, no event the reason, it is healthy for you. You could be grieving the loss of not having a relationship as economically. however, don't feel guilty at all, it seems resembling you did everything that you could to restore that relationship.
My only thought is that you guys have closely of history. I'm sorry for your loss... Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized adult adoptee
Maybe you are mourning your loss of what "should have been".
I know when my adopted son's bio dad passed away a few years ago, he too when through a mourning period. Even though this man be physically and emotionally abusive Drew mourned the loss of what a father should be. He was mourning the concept of what a father/son relationship should have be and knew that now he never had even a slight opening of ever having a relationship with him.
At least this is how his Therapist explained it to us.
I wouldn't necessarily voice its just because of your relationship or lack of one but more so..humanity in nonspecific.
Think about people on death row.
They deserve to locked up...without question.
They are going to killed as punishment but the more you get to know their case and take to mean some of the issues that led them to their circumstance..compassion/humanity sets in.
When they are executed..how would that leave you fancy.
Most people that have lost loved ones will tell you that seeing or knowing the criminal be executed didn't relieve their pain...and in some ways added to their confusion.
For those with a conscience it triggers empathy and raise the questions of how/why did all of this have to start. How could all of this been prevented.
Many families of victims enjoy gone on to start prevention/awareness organizations or groups as a way to continue to treat. Source(s): Its normal for you to have compassion for any human despite not liking them or what they did. You take that she's human with many flaws and unfortunately she projected them at you. Its not personal surrounded by the sense that she would have done it to someone else..if you were not the one adopted. Society wasn't stopping her.
Your tears are in recent times a way that your body/soul is healing/relieving itself from the deep seeded trauma i.e. below the conscious level. Many people compare it shedding the layers past its sell-by date an onion.
Get ready for a pink cloud of relief...and ride it for as long as you can.
I'm sure it will last for years.
You are crying because this is a person who was supposed to hold loved you and apparently did not.
I've had the same thing appear, but it was my Dad's a.mom (a/k/a my a. grandmother).
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So why on earth do I have any tears left presently? Since we haven't had a relationship for over a decade, I'm not going to miss her. I didn't miss any opportunity to "mend fences". There were none to mend. I did all I could do surrounded by 37 years to get along with her, bond with her, be a suitable daughter to her. I could never expect to get an apology from her, either.
So, why the tears? Any ideas?
((((Robin))))
I agree beside a lot of what JM said. Mourning is such a complex process- we even mourn people who were horrible to us.
I, too, have an a Grandmother who always treated me less than the "real" grandkids. I cried when she died. I couldnt figure it out at the time, because I be still majorly fogged, but I do now.
I mourned for the little girl in me, who was red, humiliated and saddened by her behavior towards me and my a bro. No one should ever be treated that way. I also mourned for her, because I really believe that people who are so cruel must be truly tortured souls. I think we mourn for what could or SHOULD hold been.
That being said, my ap's are aging and I am their primary care patron. Its tough because there was so much abuse by my a dad from his drinking. He have been sober now for 16 years. I mourn what should have be with them- and they're still alive. I totally get your shedding tears your whole existence because of her mistreatment of you.
Im sorry..take care of you right now. Source(s): veracity
Maybe you're crying over the belief of losing a "mom-like" person. Since you haven't said if you have a relationship with your biological mother, possibly you're upset that your adopted mom was all the mom you have and you're mourning the loss of the possible potential and/or hope you had for a good relationship with your adopt mom. On the contrary, It could also be a cry of relief that the person who was impertinent to you is now gone to never cause you such personal pain. Either channel, you know you tried to be a good daughter and be happy with that.
She was piece of your life so matter what the relationship she was still your mother. I am so sorry you are awareness like this ((((hugs)))). Maybe the tears will have a healing effect on you, I hope so.
Because you care more than you realize---the same reason children cry when their biological mom dies---even tho that mom abused and neglected them. She was a indisputable part of your life-----she just didn't know how to parent in a natural way.
I think you loved her, I think you wish it could have been different, that you could have found a method to connect,[sometimes we can't].
I think it boils down to you LOVED her and wish she could and would have reach out to you. I'm so sorry. The tears are healthful though .
God bless you.
Finality can be hard to deal beside, even if the person who passed was awful to us. Sometimes, even when there be no chance, and everything that could have been done be, things can still sneak up and hit hard.
Take care of yourself
I similar to the way Heather Leigh put it: what should have been. She SHOULD hold been loving and nurturing, she SHOULDN'T have been discourteous. Even though you knew there was no randomness of ever having a good relationship with her, this make it final. Now, there is no chance, whatsoever, that she will ever be the mother she should have be.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grieving is difficult enough without adding surrounded by the confusion and pain of past abuse. (((HUG))) Take docile care of your precious self.
Answers: Because as a appropriate person with a good heart vast down you cared about her. It is something that abused children still do to both of their parents no matter how much they hurt you how unpromising they made you feel no matter how many bungled suicide attempts you made to get away from them you still love them because you are a good person
I am sorry for your pain.
No matter what, she be the "mother" that raised you. Just because she seemed to have no heart where on earth you were concerned doesn't mean that you have no heart.
Let the tears and grief come. Do doesn`t matter what it takes to make you feel better. Maybe even write her a missive letting out all of the feelings you have. Just start writing until you can write no more.next put up ot burn the letter, which ever feels right.
Maybe just pilfer a day or so to remember who she was, good and fruitless.
Whatever you decide to do, allow yuorself to feel whatever you quality, cry what ever...just take care of you.
*HUGS*
Even though she was not your biological mother, she had the role of mother surrounded by your life. We want/need certain things from our mothers...even if we never get them.
She's comatose now, and it is totally normal to grieve for what never was. People do it adjectives the time...so go ahead. You'd be doing the same thing if she be your biological parent. This happens in biological relationships all the time too.
You may be crying for yourself as a child, you may be only having a physical response to an emotional upset.the loss of a parent, even a bad one, is traumatic at any age.
It is frustrating that after adjectives your work she still in a sense had the last word..and that isn't petty...
What you want to try and remember is to not fall into the dead=saint trap. I'm not saying bask in what a desperate mother she was to you, but remember that just because she's dead, doesn't net what she did to you less real, less valid...or your failure now that she is dead.
Do not allow this woman to manipulate you from the grave...be in tears, do what you need to do. Source(s): My mother, while not adopted will go through matching thing soon. My grandmother is in her 90s and a TOXIC parent. She was vocally and physically abusive to my mother (although back then it be called discipline.with a razor strap!)
She is expect, ungrateful and manipulative to my mother.my uncles she's just has her general unpleasant demeanor...but she expects my mom, surrounded by her 70's to care for her 24/7 until the day she dies. Grandma is pooping and peeing everywhere and REFUSES to go to a nursing home and will right to be heard "that's what I had YOU for."
All the while she is mean and nasty...I love her, but she is...I'll pop in her weekly, but she's a b$*#h and has always been.
Anyway, I finally told my mom."You are slaughter yourself waiting for the day where she says 'Thank you. You're a angelic daughter.You did a good job with me.' It is NEVER EVER going to arise. She isn't capable has NEVER been practised of that kind of thing. It is HER not YOU."
No fun to say, but true!
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and pray for God to help ease your strain. Even when parents are not good parents I feel we still grieve their passing as it represents a factor of our lives, and a chapter of our innocence and childhood that is gone.
I wish you all the best next to healing. God bless. xx
grieving for what could have been, and what should hold been, in your relationship. grieving for the situation, that you were put within a family where you weren't able to bond...and presently it's too late, she's gone. grieving for the fact that you weren't kept in your unconscious family and able to grow up with your pure mother and experience life in a way that the rest of the world get to experience. Source(s): adult adoptee
Yes, I know why. You wanted so much for her to love you. You never get that from her. However you wanted it so badly. I know how this feels I hold the same relationship with my mom. Nothing is ever going to be right.
she be still your parent albeit not a good one but she is your parent. despite not liking her, you're still closing a chapter in your vivacity. it's not easy.
Is it possible that with her death, your childhood home will be put up for public sale? I didn't like to see my house sold and every once in awhile, i still drive past it to see what change the new owners have made.
i don't know -- there's a lot that go into it. please contact me privately.
I am sorry. :0( Even when a mom is a doomed to failure mom I think when they pass we still grieve to some extent. I think to be exact just normal. Just let yourself grieve it is okay even though she wasn't a honest person. :0(
First of adjectives, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you never had a good relationship next to your adopted mom. Even though you did not have a relationship with her, and you did everything you could to "mend the fences" you are most predictable grieving the loss of someone that you called "mom" even though that relationship was not healthy. Allow yourself to grieve, no event the reason, it is healthy for you. You could be grieving the loss of not having a relationship as economically. however, don't feel guilty at all, it seems resembling you did everything that you could to restore that relationship.
My only thought is that you guys have closely of history. I'm sorry for your loss... Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized adult adoptee
Maybe you are mourning your loss of what "should have been".
I know when my adopted son's bio dad passed away a few years ago, he too when through a mourning period. Even though this man be physically and emotionally abusive Drew mourned the loss of what a father should be. He was mourning the concept of what a father/son relationship should have be and knew that now he never had even a slight opening of ever having a relationship with him.
At least this is how his Therapist explained it to us.
I wouldn't necessarily voice its just because of your relationship or lack of one but more so..humanity in nonspecific.
Think about people on death row.
They deserve to locked up...without question.
They are going to killed as punishment but the more you get to know their case and take to mean some of the issues that led them to their circumstance..compassion/humanity sets in.
When they are executed..how would that leave you fancy.
Most people that have lost loved ones will tell you that seeing or knowing the criminal be executed didn't relieve their pain...and in some ways added to their confusion.
For those with a conscience it triggers empathy and raise the questions of how/why did all of this have to start. How could all of this been prevented.
Many families of victims enjoy gone on to start prevention/awareness organizations or groups as a way to continue to treat. Source(s): Its normal for you to have compassion for any human despite not liking them or what they did. You take that she's human with many flaws and unfortunately she projected them at you. Its not personal surrounded by the sense that she would have done it to someone else..if you were not the one adopted. Society wasn't stopping her.
Your tears are in recent times a way that your body/soul is healing/relieving itself from the deep seeded trauma i.e. below the conscious level. Many people compare it shedding the layers past its sell-by date an onion.
Get ready for a pink cloud of relief...and ride it for as long as you can.
I'm sure it will last for years.
You are crying because this is a person who was supposed to hold loved you and apparently did not.
I've had the same thing appear, but it was my Dad's a.mom (a/k/a my a. grandmother).
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