How much involvement should an Adoptive mother hold near a reunion?
I am a Bmom who placed a child in a closed adoption back in the mid-1980s. He contacted me finishing year. He pretty much knew everything about what happened because the authorities sent identify information even though they weren't supposed to. I was very surprised at hearing this, but I though ok, very soon that that doors open I'd go ahead and try building a relationship with this immature man. He's in his early 20, still lives at home with the A-mom.
At first things be going ok, then I started hearing less and smaller quantity from him and more and more from HER. In fact, I discovered that she was pretty much following me online. Plus she was sending me several emails a DAY. She be leaving messages at my social networking sites that sounded critical and even went so far as to share me the A-dad didn't like it that the child is in contact with me because I'm the "woman that give my baby away" or she'd drop little comments to that affect to where it sounded somewhat like she be judging my decision to place my son for adoption. Well, I was getting to the point where on earth I was seriously questioning whether or not this adult "child" truly requirements a reunion or is just doing this to please the A-mom. To me, that's not enough of a reason for reuniting next to a natural mother. Because of the frequency of the communication, and her veiled critical and guilt producing comments, I feel pressured, if not a bit stalked. So I finally told the woman that I want to hear more from him than I do her. I see no point why she should be this involved. Isn't the point of a reunion to bond between natural mother and surrendered child?
Well, I told him that while I would be open to meeting him, I looked-for no contact with her. I also wrote him an email concerning my concerns and telling him that if he does this it should be cause he requirements to not because someone else expects him to. Anyway, he chose to take it wrong and basically said he doesn't want to meet me immediately and basically made a lot of judgmental and hurtful statements and played her up as so perfect and how his duration was so "wonderful" with her. He's pretty much indicated they're a package treaty as it were. He even said he now "regrets" looking me up.what? Boy, talk going on for a kick in the teeth. I did NOT say "it's any her or me." I would never make anyone do something like that...but he seems to be taking it that opening and now it looks like the door has once again closed.
Quite frankly, I'm outset to wonder why they even bothered to look me up if all they want to do is make me feel doomed to failure and guilty. I KNOW that I made the best choice for my circumstances, but how long must I be "punished" for a choice I made all those years ago? Do I really have to be "friends" with someone who clearly have motives other than friendship? Any other Bmoms who've gone through this? Please...not slams or judgments. I've had satisfactory already to last me a lifetime.
WOW. she has no right.
if the child was underage I assume it might be appropriate for the a-parents to initially be involved, but quickly back off.
since your child is of age, it's completely ridiculous...he can feel himself on his own.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this...I don't have any virtuous advice. It sounds like his ap's are very green with envy and controlling, and he's bought into the family loyalty and "kool aid" version of adoption. It's hard when we adoptees can't explore our emotion because we are so worried what our a-parents might think.
I'd say back rotten for a little while and see what happens. Beyond that I don't really have any perfect advice. You can't force someone to have a relationship...but it sucks that he's sorta being coerced into not even exploring anything beside you.
I do not agree with what this Amom is doing. She should be supportive of your son's reunion but not expect to be involved or control the reunion. She definitely have some issues with insecurity,
Keep the door open and perhaps someday your son will come around when he's elder and not under the watchful eye of his Amom.
I do not think the adoptive mother should be playing such a major role contained by the reunion...or any role at all. If she was doing so in a benevolent and compassionate matter, I would be fine with it. She sounds like she is controlling, and it is unhappy, that he is allowing her to control such a huge event in his life. I am assuming that she will consider him unloyal to her if she is not allowed full association. This puts him between a rock and a hard place.
In reunion, as a natural mother, it is very vital to let the adoptee have control and take the front and pace. Though it would be difficult under these circumstances, I would definitely want to verbs communication and have a least one meeting obverse to face with my son..even if the insecure adoptive mother was present. Whatever happen at this point, would be my deciding factor on whether I could continue or not.
It sounds like this woman will be making breakers long into the future, and your son is going to allow it. Reunion is hard enough lacking these issues.
Please check out this website, and email Joe Soll. He is fantastic on adoption issues for adoptee and natural mom. He is also great with reunions. He can guide you in how to bar this situation. He has books, conferences, and healing retreats, and counseling via phone/email. The website has lots of reunion insight too.
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/ Source(s): reunited organic mom
Keep in mind that your sons feeling are separate from his amoms but are compounded by hers.
If she's being officious and insecure after its more emotional baggage on his part and he may be protection off because he doesn't want to deal with it/her out of guilt and frustration...its not you.
That's probably what she's trying to do by stalking you. She is trying to run you sour and come off looking like a saint. Its an old ploy mothers use to run bad any significant "other woman" in their sons life.
I would suggest ignoring her and her suitcases for the sake of getting to know your son. It would suck if he has to wait until she dies before he get to meet you. He's obviously ready and she shouldn't be interfering. She should enjoy been prepared to handle this in an adult/parental supportive demeanour. Its hard enough for the both of you emotionally as it is.
She shouldn't be emailing or posting anything.
Your priority is to see and get to know your son...for her not to comprehend and respect to be precise so ignorant.
The next time she emails simply evade her questions that revolve around her and her emotional state by asking questions about your son that will require her to expend her energy on him.
When you chat near your son and he brings her up (out of guilt)...listen to him but try to have him keep the focus on his own feelings. Don't agree about how his amom is behaving or what she's saying.try to stay dull or indifferent and keep the focus about him and you...as it should be.
Your feelings are your morale and they should be respected but keep in mind your son is on an emotional rollarcoaster as resourcefully and has to deal with his Aps issues on top it. Source(s): Your son manifestly needs you otherwise he wouldn't have contacted you.
Don't let anyone ruin that for him including yourself. Don't tolerate his amom push you away.
wow...what's interesting is that if you were pregnant and considering adoption, you'd be liberal, wonderful, yadda yadda...
from what it sounds like, your son wanted to find you and his amom conceded to it. and probably wished the adjectives time that his search would yield nothing.
also, the hypothesis that she would stalk you and then post crap about you giving away your baby is simply wrong. i connote, hell, if you didn't "give away" your baby, then she wouldn't be a mother.
she's a troll... and at this stage, i would try to work on your relationship beside your son, sans her and her hubby.
oh the circular logic of adoption...
i'm sorry...:-( Source(s): adoption, the not so loving choice...
Assuming everyone involved is an adult, I think adoptive parents should only enjoy as much involvement in reunion as the adoptee asks/invites them to (and should not assume they will have ANY involvement.) The role of the parent is to be emotionally supportive however things go, but otherwise necessarily butt out unless they are specifically asked to do more. Because ultimately, reunion is not about adoptive parents.
Sabotaging the reunion or causing trouble for the other family surrounded by any way is totally inappropriate.
It's his mother. Her hurt is his hurt, and he's lived with it all his life. So by maxim come meet me, but your mother freaks me out, in all odds it would sucker punch him and he got defensive and protective.
Also, it is insulting to call your son an mature "child" and maybe he's picking up on that vibe.
Anyway, best intention vibes directed towards you all, and I hope that there is some approach to set aside the muddy mess that adoption and relinquishment brings to be able to just say, "your mom is a bit triggering to me, so I'd to some extent just get to know you a bit more first and take it slower next to her."
Great advise Gypsy... I am an adoptee and hold recently found my b family. My parents are dead, I enjoy 1 brother I have found and 1 sister I found and 1 sister missing, that we are searching for (international adoption). My sister has deeply hateful feelings toward our b parents, me I don't, everyone makes mistakes and if I would enjoy never been forgiven for the mistakes I have made in my olden I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So many emotion are involved with being adopted, perchance the guilt of searching while you've had a wonderful fullfilled life?
So copious emotions, but working through them all is painful it help you grow and know. It's a tough road but well worth it and a journey I think adjectives should consider each others feelings that are involved.
My a brother is very green of me finding my family, he thinks I will not think of him as my physical brother anymore. All his whinning and fussing has almost caused what he hoped wouldn't happen.
Time sometimes is what is needed too. Maybe once your son mature a little more he will have different feelings. Also, I hold found in my search once the a parents die, the adoptee is more than ever ready to persue the biological loved ones. Source(s): Me and my adoptive feelings
Answers: I totally understand your reunion troubles...I have be in your shoes. Though I was the one that searched & found and at the time my daughter (adult child) be 34 yrs old at the time, married with children. I travelled a distance ALONE to meet my daughter..I be nervous, but still I had to see her. She wanted her amother to be at this first talks, I told my daughter...'NO'!, not the first time out. That I was fine with her hubby and the kids being nearby (I was going to her house), but I just didn't feel 'strong' plenty to meet her amother the 2nd time in my life I be meeting my daughter.
When I arrived at her home..my daughter had her asis there as very well (bio-daughter of her apars) and I was OK with that..she is a lovely person. What bothered me be this feeling...that above all she might have feel she needed 'protection' from me. Having to surround herself with so many people, while I come alone...with no one to 'protect' me. That was my choice to be in motion it alone...afterall what did I need 'protecting' from ... my own flesh & blood?
A few months later I would be cruelly verbally attacked by my daughter ( have a word about pay-backs!), because I 'refused' to meet her 'Mother'. I never said I NEVER wanted to touch amom...just not the first time out. Sheesh..didn't I have a 'choice' in who I chose to gather round me at our F2F? Yes, I believed then that I did, and to this day still believe, I also had a say-so, when 2 adults come face to face.
I received many a 'pay-back' for several years after..but it have only been in the concluding year or so...that the 'pay-backs' have stopped.
Aparents should be supportive of their adult achildren in regard to reunion..supporting the positives rather than inflicting negativity, demanding loyalty and either overtly or covertly trying to get the fully developed adoptee to 'choose' between one or the other. Reunion is just as hard on the natural mother, as it is on the full-grown adoptee. And believe it or not, the natural family as well. Many an nfamily finds their wife or mother.MIA for slightly a while...either physically or mentally, as the nmother navigates the often tumultous waters of reunion.
BUT! I stuck it out next to my daughter these past 10 years and she with me..thru all the voiced abuse spewed towards me...the unending in my obverse tirades of Loyalty and Gratitude speeches I heard. The tirades of 'I will NEVER forgive you'...'You are not a Mother in my eyes, simply because you gave birth', and on and on and on. I stuck it out beside my daughter, because no matter what..she was my daughter..and I loved her always and still do. I also enjoy been in the company of her amother several times over these many years. She is a pleasant, fully clad woman. But I will never forget the conversation, with my daughter present, where amom referred to 'our' baby as 'it' and considered 'our' daughter her hasty 'Xmas Present'..
I stood my ground, during many a conversation with my daughter..and only contained by a few of those conversations do I regret my words. I will never regret that I 'CHOSE' to not meet her amother at our first meeting. I am a firm believer in 'Courage of Conviction'..and today I know that my daughter respects that competence in me...hasn't been easy for her and I...but anything worth have is worth fighting for..and I can assure you that both my daughter and I...surely did fight the 'good fight' and we never walk away from each other...no matter how bad it could go and get at times. Love can conquer quite a bit, even in reunion.
Please hang contained by there..join a natural mother's ONLY group online, where on earth you can share that which only another nmother in reunion will understand and share your cramp...and your happiness also.
Please feel free to email me privately...it helps so much within reunion to talk to other nmoms. I also found great help from adult adoptees as resourcefully over the years. Their insight helped me to understand what my daughter was going thru and enabled me to check myself at times. Source(s): In reunion for 10 years! And I know short a doubt today...that she loves me and cares about me...just as much as she does her amom. And my daughter know today that her natural mother never forgot her and never stopped missing and loving her.
I'm an adoptive mother and your story makes me feel queasy. My son is only 8 but he know that if/when he decides to search for his biological family, he have my full support. I had never imagined doing something like your son's adoptive mother is doing...and now that I own your example, I will know NOT to act that way when the time comes.
I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your story. It help to inform those of us who need to know. Source(s): Aloha :)
No offense to any of the ap's here, but ap's have no business getting involved within their adoptive child's reunion with their first family. I have see many ap's ruin their a child's reunion, and I personally feel to be exact their intention.
If he still lives with his ap's, it's even more difficult. He may feel as if his loyalty is being challenge, and quite frankly, it is. Many ap's are threatened by reunion, and it is insulting to the adoptee.
He is still young. He looked for you, so that is a moral sign. You need to let him know in the kindest track possible, that you are interested in building a relationship with him (if that is what you want) but that his relationship next to his ap's must remain separate. I can guarantee you that they are MAJORLY pulling the strings, and until he is on his own, he will not be able to "de-fog".
Ive been in reunion for 22 years, and my a Mom will STILL breed petty and jealous remarks, even though I am my ap's primary care giver, and it is evident I am not going anywhere.
I honestly feel your son is not trying to make you a scapegoat, but he is clearly going through emotional blackmail by his ap's.
eta: Please don't refer to yourself as bmom, BM, or birthmother. You are his first Mother. Also, most adoptees abhorrence the term "real" Mother. All 4 of our parents are "real", but have different roles. Feel free to email me, and I can send you some links that may minister to you. Source(s): being adopted
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At first things be going ok, then I started hearing less and smaller quantity from him and more and more from HER. In fact, I discovered that she was pretty much following me online. Plus she was sending me several emails a DAY. She be leaving messages at my social networking sites that sounded critical and even went so far as to share me the A-dad didn't like it that the child is in contact with me because I'm the "woman that give my baby away" or she'd drop little comments to that affect to where it sounded somewhat like she be judging my decision to place my son for adoption. Well, I was getting to the point where on earth I was seriously questioning whether or not this adult "child" truly requirements a reunion or is just doing this to please the A-mom. To me, that's not enough of a reason for reuniting next to a natural mother. Because of the frequency of the communication, and her veiled critical and guilt producing comments, I feel pressured, if not a bit stalked. So I finally told the woman that I want to hear more from him than I do her. I see no point why she should be this involved. Isn't the point of a reunion to bond between natural mother and surrendered child?
Well, I told him that while I would be open to meeting him, I looked-for no contact with her. I also wrote him an email concerning my concerns and telling him that if he does this it should be cause he requirements to not because someone else expects him to. Anyway, he chose to take it wrong and basically said he doesn't want to meet me immediately and basically made a lot of judgmental and hurtful statements and played her up as so perfect and how his duration was so "wonderful" with her. He's pretty much indicated they're a package treaty as it were. He even said he now "regrets" looking me up.what? Boy, talk going on for a kick in the teeth. I did NOT say "it's any her or me." I would never make anyone do something like that...but he seems to be taking it that opening and now it looks like the door has once again closed.
Quite frankly, I'm outset to wonder why they even bothered to look me up if all they want to do is make me feel doomed to failure and guilty. I KNOW that I made the best choice for my circumstances, but how long must I be "punished" for a choice I made all those years ago? Do I really have to be "friends" with someone who clearly have motives other than friendship? Any other Bmoms who've gone through this? Please...not slams or judgments. I've had satisfactory already to last me a lifetime.
WOW. she has no right.
if the child was underage I assume it might be appropriate for the a-parents to initially be involved, but quickly back off.
since your child is of age, it's completely ridiculous...he can feel himself on his own.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this...I don't have any virtuous advice. It sounds like his ap's are very green with envy and controlling, and he's bought into the family loyalty and "kool aid" version of adoption. It's hard when we adoptees can't explore our emotion because we are so worried what our a-parents might think.
I'd say back rotten for a little while and see what happens. Beyond that I don't really have any perfect advice. You can't force someone to have a relationship...but it sucks that he's sorta being coerced into not even exploring anything beside you.
I do not agree with what this Amom is doing. She should be supportive of your son's reunion but not expect to be involved or control the reunion. She definitely have some issues with insecurity,
Keep the door open and perhaps someday your son will come around when he's elder and not under the watchful eye of his Amom.
I do not think the adoptive mother should be playing such a major role contained by the reunion...or any role at all. If she was doing so in a benevolent and compassionate matter, I would be fine with it. She sounds like she is controlling, and it is unhappy, that he is allowing her to control such a huge event in his life. I am assuming that she will consider him unloyal to her if she is not allowed full association. This puts him between a rock and a hard place.
In reunion, as a natural mother, it is very vital to let the adoptee have control and take the front and pace. Though it would be difficult under these circumstances, I would definitely want to verbs communication and have a least one meeting obverse to face with my son..even if the insecure adoptive mother was present. Whatever happen at this point, would be my deciding factor on whether I could continue or not.
It sounds like this woman will be making breakers long into the future, and your son is going to allow it. Reunion is hard enough lacking these issues.
Please check out this website, and email Joe Soll. He is fantastic on adoption issues for adoptee and natural mom. He is also great with reunions. He can guide you in how to bar this situation. He has books, conferences, and healing retreats, and counseling via phone/email. The website has lots of reunion insight too.
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/ Source(s): reunited organic mom
Keep in mind that your sons feeling are separate from his amoms but are compounded by hers.
If she's being officious and insecure after its more emotional baggage on his part and he may be protection off because he doesn't want to deal with it/her out of guilt and frustration...its not you.
That's probably what she's trying to do by stalking you. She is trying to run you sour and come off looking like a saint. Its an old ploy mothers use to run bad any significant "other woman" in their sons life.
I would suggest ignoring her and her suitcases for the sake of getting to know your son. It would suck if he has to wait until she dies before he get to meet you. He's obviously ready and she shouldn't be interfering. She should enjoy been prepared to handle this in an adult/parental supportive demeanour. Its hard enough for the both of you emotionally as it is.
She shouldn't be emailing or posting anything.
Your priority is to see and get to know your son...for her not to comprehend and respect to be precise so ignorant.
The next time she emails simply evade her questions that revolve around her and her emotional state by asking questions about your son that will require her to expend her energy on him.
When you chat near your son and he brings her up (out of guilt)...listen to him but try to have him keep the focus on his own feelings. Don't agree about how his amom is behaving or what she's saying.try to stay dull or indifferent and keep the focus about him and you...as it should be.
Your feelings are your morale and they should be respected but keep in mind your son is on an emotional rollarcoaster as resourcefully and has to deal with his Aps issues on top it. Source(s): Your son manifestly needs you otherwise he wouldn't have contacted you.
Don't let anyone ruin that for him including yourself. Don't tolerate his amom push you away.
wow...what's interesting is that if you were pregnant and considering adoption, you'd be liberal, wonderful, yadda yadda...
from what it sounds like, your son wanted to find you and his amom conceded to it. and probably wished the adjectives time that his search would yield nothing.
also, the hypothesis that she would stalk you and then post crap about you giving away your baby is simply wrong. i connote, hell, if you didn't "give away" your baby, then she wouldn't be a mother.
she's a troll... and at this stage, i would try to work on your relationship beside your son, sans her and her hubby.
oh the circular logic of adoption...
i'm sorry...:-( Source(s): adoption, the not so loving choice...
Assuming everyone involved is an adult, I think adoptive parents should only enjoy as much involvement in reunion as the adoptee asks/invites them to (and should not assume they will have ANY involvement.) The role of the parent is to be emotionally supportive however things go, but otherwise necessarily butt out unless they are specifically asked to do more. Because ultimately, reunion is not about adoptive parents.
Sabotaging the reunion or causing trouble for the other family surrounded by any way is totally inappropriate.
It's his mother. Her hurt is his hurt, and he's lived with it all his life. So by maxim come meet me, but your mother freaks me out, in all odds it would sucker punch him and he got defensive and protective.
Also, it is insulting to call your son an mature "child" and maybe he's picking up on that vibe.
Anyway, best intention vibes directed towards you all, and I hope that there is some approach to set aside the muddy mess that adoption and relinquishment brings to be able to just say, "your mom is a bit triggering to me, so I'd to some extent just get to know you a bit more first and take it slower next to her."
Great advise Gypsy... I am an adoptee and hold recently found my b family. My parents are dead, I enjoy 1 brother I have found and 1 sister I found and 1 sister missing, that we are searching for (international adoption). My sister has deeply hateful feelings toward our b parents, me I don't, everyone makes mistakes and if I would enjoy never been forgiven for the mistakes I have made in my olden I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So many emotion are involved with being adopted, perchance the guilt of searching while you've had a wonderful fullfilled life?
So copious emotions, but working through them all is painful it help you grow and know. It's a tough road but well worth it and a journey I think adjectives should consider each others feelings that are involved.
My a brother is very green of me finding my family, he thinks I will not think of him as my physical brother anymore. All his whinning and fussing has almost caused what he hoped wouldn't happen.
Time sometimes is what is needed too. Maybe once your son mature a little more he will have different feelings. Also, I hold found in my search once the a parents die, the adoptee is more than ever ready to persue the biological loved ones. Source(s): Me and my adoptive feelings
Answers: I totally understand your reunion troubles...I have be in your shoes. Though I was the one that searched & found and at the time my daughter (adult child) be 34 yrs old at the time, married with children. I travelled a distance ALONE to meet my daughter..I be nervous, but still I had to see her. She wanted her amother to be at this first talks, I told my daughter...'NO'!, not the first time out. That I was fine with her hubby and the kids being nearby (I was going to her house), but I just didn't feel 'strong' plenty to meet her amother the 2nd time in my life I be meeting my daughter.
When I arrived at her home..my daughter had her asis there as very well (bio-daughter of her apars) and I was OK with that..she is a lovely person. What bothered me be this feeling...that above all she might have feel she needed 'protection' from me. Having to surround herself with so many people, while I come alone...with no one to 'protect' me. That was my choice to be in motion it alone...afterall what did I need 'protecting' from ... my own flesh & blood?
A few months later I would be cruelly verbally attacked by my daughter ( have a word about pay-backs!), because I 'refused' to meet her 'Mother'. I never said I NEVER wanted to touch amom...just not the first time out. Sheesh..didn't I have a 'choice' in who I chose to gather round me at our F2F? Yes, I believed then that I did, and to this day still believe, I also had a say-so, when 2 adults come face to face.
I received many a 'pay-back' for several years after..but it have only been in the concluding year or so...that the 'pay-backs' have stopped.
Aparents should be supportive of their adult achildren in regard to reunion..supporting the positives rather than inflicting negativity, demanding loyalty and either overtly or covertly trying to get the fully developed adoptee to 'choose' between one or the other. Reunion is just as hard on the natural mother, as it is on the full-grown adoptee. And believe it or not, the natural family as well. Many an nfamily finds their wife or mother.MIA for slightly a while...either physically or mentally, as the nmother navigates the often tumultous waters of reunion.
BUT! I stuck it out next to my daughter these past 10 years and she with me..thru all the voiced abuse spewed towards me...the unending in my obverse tirades of Loyalty and Gratitude speeches I heard. The tirades of 'I will NEVER forgive you'...'You are not a Mother in my eyes, simply because you gave birth', and on and on and on. I stuck it out beside my daughter, because no matter what..she was my daughter..and I loved her always and still do. I also enjoy been in the company of her amother several times over these many years. She is a pleasant, fully clad woman. But I will never forget the conversation, with my daughter present, where amom referred to 'our' baby as 'it' and considered 'our' daughter her hasty 'Xmas Present'..
I stood my ground, during many a conversation with my daughter..and only contained by a few of those conversations do I regret my words. I will never regret that I 'CHOSE' to not meet her amother at our first meeting. I am a firm believer in 'Courage of Conviction'..and today I know that my daughter respects that competence in me...hasn't been easy for her and I...but anything worth have is worth fighting for..and I can assure you that both my daughter and I...surely did fight the 'good fight' and we never walk away from each other...no matter how bad it could go and get at times. Love can conquer quite a bit, even in reunion.
Please hang contained by there..join a natural mother's ONLY group online, where on earth you can share that which only another nmother in reunion will understand and share your cramp...and your happiness also.
Please feel free to email me privately...it helps so much within reunion to talk to other nmoms. I also found great help from adult adoptees as resourcefully over the years. Their insight helped me to understand what my daughter was going thru and enabled me to check myself at times. Source(s): In reunion for 10 years! And I know short a doubt today...that she loves me and cares about me...just as much as she does her amom. And my daughter know today that her natural mother never forgot her and never stopped missing and loving her.
I'm an adoptive mother and your story makes me feel queasy. My son is only 8 but he know that if/when he decides to search for his biological family, he have my full support. I had never imagined doing something like your son's adoptive mother is doing...and now that I own your example, I will know NOT to act that way when the time comes.
I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your story. It help to inform those of us who need to know. Source(s): Aloha :)
No offense to any of the ap's here, but ap's have no business getting involved within their adoptive child's reunion with their first family. I have see many ap's ruin their a child's reunion, and I personally feel to be exact their intention.
If he still lives with his ap's, it's even more difficult. He may feel as if his loyalty is being challenge, and quite frankly, it is. Many ap's are threatened by reunion, and it is insulting to the adoptee.
He is still young. He looked for you, so that is a moral sign. You need to let him know in the kindest track possible, that you are interested in building a relationship with him (if that is what you want) but that his relationship next to his ap's must remain separate. I can guarantee you that they are MAJORLY pulling the strings, and until he is on his own, he will not be able to "de-fog".
Ive been in reunion for 22 years, and my a Mom will STILL breed petty and jealous remarks, even though I am my ap's primary care giver, and it is evident I am not going anywhere.
I honestly feel your son is not trying to make you a scapegoat, but he is clearly going through emotional blackmail by his ap's.
eta: Please don't refer to yourself as bmom, BM, or birthmother. You are his first Mother. Also, most adoptees abhorrence the term "real" Mother. All 4 of our parents are "real", but have different roles. Feel free to email me, and I can send you some links that may minister to you. Source(s): being adopted
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