Should I enjoy my son stop by next to his birth mother?
I have typed this background/question so many times and there is a moment ago so many details, I do not even know where to start, it is just a cluster, so tolerate me try...
My son's birthmother is family. She is my cousin. She had 5 children by 4 different men. Her children were contained by and out of the state system a total of 7 years. Luckily my son was the youngest and did not have to go contained by and out for 7 years. She had every chance to get her children hindmost but just would not try, thus termination. Her oldest (son) lives with my parents, her daughter now lives near her step-mother (recap, birth father got custody, left daughter with wife step-mom and moved 900 miles away to hook put a bet on up with my cousin, thus step-mom was given custody), third child lives with grandparents on father's side, fourth child passed away, and her second is my son.
When my husband and I adopted our son we talked with her we told her we needed to keep an open line of communication, but she does not write, phone or visit. I call her to make contact and permit her know how he is doing, I post pictures on my sites so she can see them. The last time she visited was 2 years ago. Last year we took our son and his partially brother to Florida to visit their half-sister. They all have equal birthmom (my cousin), during this time last year she was also living in Florida. At this lunch jamboree she took pictures of my son's brother, but not of my son. Finally my little one spoke up and said he would take pictures too. It just broke my heart.
Over the past year when I call to give her an update he has not wanted to discuss to her. Just recently she was on the phone with her other son and we be at his house and I asked my little one if he wanted to talk to her and he said no. (my son is 6 now we hold had him since he was 15 months, in sytem at 10 months)
Now roughly the visit. My cousin's daughter is visiting with them for a few weeks and afterwards they are to bring her to my parent's house so she can spend a few weeks with her brother's before going back to the step-mom (fyi who she choose to live with). They are bringing her 4th of July which is a big holiday for my clan, we have a cook-out, party and see the fireworks all together. My husband and I own talked about it and any other weekend we do not have an issue next to a visit, but to make it a holiday weekend when we have plans, it only just messes everything up. Originally they were to bring her the end of June. So now what do I do, rework my family plans and take him to my mom's for a visit next to her, or do I just not take him and stick with our tradition. Do I confer him, a 6 year old a choice and see what he wants to do, but what about my step-kids, transmit them, well we had to change plans? Truth, she have not even told us she was coming, she told my mother. Any advice?
Go with your heart, If you guess this is going to upset your son then stay at home with your original plan, if his birth mum is upset TOUGH she is fully fledged and explain that you will do what is best for the child ALWAYS. She may be the birth mum but you are the mum that cuddle & hug and love without being told to.
whatever you choose for your inherited is right because you are MUM bits of paper say it but your son SHOUTS it every time he comes home. It's just a simple Hi Mum but it shows who he requests and wants
Good Luck though i don't think you need it big heart are in short Supply and reading you letter i think you enjoy a huge heart
I think she only cares in the region of herself. You do what you think is best.
Your question is a bit confusing. I give attention to your asking about a visit with a sibling? (Not his 1st mom, correct?)
If this is your son's sibling who's visit, what is the problem with inviting her & your mom to join your family for the 4th celebration? Problem Solved! No one is excluded. No one misses out.
On the rest of your post: Please DO NOT ask your 6 year matured DIRECTLY whether or not he wants to see his 1st mom. That is an emotionally LOADED question (even for an older child) and it puts closely of pressure squarely on his small shoulders.
Makes me think about being a kid, worrying if my parents might divorce. "Do you love mommy more? Or daddy? Who would you fairly live with?" How is a child supposed to answer those questions (honestly) without hurting someone's sensations?
Rather, listen to & watch the ques your son is giving you (in reference to contact/communication with his 1st mom). You asked if he considered necessary to talk to her and he said "no". Pay attention to those ques!! Your son may be hurt by a forced relationship with his 1st mom. Or b/c he sees 1st mom own more of a connection with her older children/his sib's.
You can just do so much to keep the lines of communication open. The rest is not up to you. So LET IT GO! STOP trying so hard! You are NOT obligated to force the issue beside 1st mom. You're making yourself crazy (& a little bit angry in the process). As a mom, I'd be angry too at the other parent for my child's sake if that parent didn't want/attempt to keep within touch. I get that!
I'd drop that effort like a hot potato and a short time ago move forward with your family. Let your child BE your son...a member of YOUR kinfolk. Keep contact with his siblings as much as possible. Don't deny his "extended family". But don't make it such a HUGE deal, any. Let him just be a kid.
If 1st mom calls, wants photos, etc., discuss to her, send her pictures. Keep posting on that web site. And keep her within your prayers! Honestly, it sounds like she may have some serious mental or emotional issues she's dealing next to (or is not being treated for).
BREATHE, RELAX, LET GO! And just enjoy your loved ones. Embrace his siblings as you would any step children or extended family. They can be an added bonus to your life. You may be surprised.
Hugs... Source(s): BSE adoptee happily reunited within 1983
Are you serious? All of that back information isn't necessary. All it did judging by the answers you get was fueled the ugly answers of what people regard as of women who have had to surrender their children.
Let me rephrase your question for you:
My son's biological mother have been distant most of his life. We have taken toddler steps in maintaining contact, but it's been tricky. We enjoy just found out at the last minute she will be in town visit with family, but it isn't when we thought she was going to come. It conflicts next to a family traditional holiday party and my other children would be heartbroken to miss out on this tradition. That mortal said, it would be just as difficult to miss out on this opportunity to reach out again towards my son's biological mother. I'm leaning towards the people tradition instead because of how awkward and last minute this trip was and we weren't necessarily the purpose of her trip. What would you do?
Stick with your kinfolk plans, and then do a better job of reaching out to her another time soon.
Edit to add: Protecting your son medium that you don't immediately bring out the drama llama details concerning his mother to anyone or everyone that will listen. None of the details you gave concerning her, from who she slept with to who the father of her other children had *anything* to do with the question need to be answered. All it did was reaffirm all the ill will you hold towards that woman. And if you don't construe your son is going to pick up on how you feel about her, and think that it is a direct care on him, than you are naive.
Instead of wanting your question answered, I'm now thinking that you did indeed want a suitable portion of answers confirming that you are better than her.
Magic pointe shoes i believe that maybe you should stop for a second and realize "I don't in a minute it all'! Who are you to tell someone how to write something. That woman was asking for advise on a awfully touchy situation and all you could say was "you should enjoy said it my way" and then to tell her to try harder with the mother.." Well this is what I say aloud " You are his mother, not her (the birth mother), so stop binding over backward for her and let her make the first step to see him and thats solely if he wants to. If she doesn't like it then perchance she should have thought of that before losing her kids." Both my parents were losers and losed me and my 5 sibling when we be young. I fill no remorse for dead pulsation parents.
I say dont ruin your kinfolk tradition plans- if she really wants to see him she will make the attempt or make other arangments. You are his mother now-not her- she have that chance! Its clear that your son will probably not want to go see her anyways! If you change your plans it will ruin everyone contained by your familys plans- that everyone probably looks forward to! She gave the choice to be a bad parent- and sounds like you are a extremely good mother and are trying not to selfish- and that is so sweet of you! If you want you could tell him going on for his choices and see what he wants to do to ease your mind... Good Luck and hope everything works out for you!
Magic Pointe Shoes! Your rewording of the OP's question was utterly remarkable!! You rid the entire question of anything that would invite judgement and detest. I applaud you..
And I estimate your 'answer' was spot on! Source(s): Wish I had the knack for conciseness and diplomacy!
You're not just babysitting for 18 years, you're his mom. Your job is to protect him from pain and heartache of rejection. I don't see any involve to change your plans to accommodate a visit with his birth mother who clearly isn't competent to be 'motherly'.
As far as asking a 6 year old what he would like to do? I think I would dally til he is much older before asking him to decide. There are copious factors in this situation that he isn't able to fathom out, too immature to deal with and could complicate his enthusiasm.
Congratulations for being an angel and giving this little boy a family.
If I were you.I would do whatever it take to keep the peace for the sake of your achild.
Yes..you have done her a favor and yes it seems approaching she's being unappreciative to say the smallest but what really matters is how all of this is going to affect your achild and his siblings. Half/QTR/Full whatever...they are his siblings.
Is missing your 4th celebration for a moment ago one year going to ruin all of your 4th celebrations?
Try to be flexible and keep it about the children and not the adults.
Keep within mind the step kids and you can see him everyday and every holiday.
Either invite your mother and all the kids to your 4th party or let him jump visit. Your making an mountain out of a mole hill. Source(s): Adults sometimes act close to children themselves.
I think since your son is 6 he should have some say surrounded by it. Of course you have the final say as you are the adult and the parent but I mull over at 6 your son is old enough to have a right to be heard in it (if you feel he is able to). it really sounds approaching your cousin is not thinking about how she is affecting her children and since she is not thinking about them i think it is pious that you are. Your in a tough boat and I wish you the best!
Answers: I am all for children anyone in touch with their first families, but in that are always exceptions and to be honest this sounds like one of them. It would cause bitter sensations with the other kids, and possibly with your/her youngest son to change your nearest and dearest tradition. If she wants to see him let her make arrangements. Other learned I wouldn't push the issue. It's kind of you to acknowledge that she is going to be around, but with no communication from her, it sounds like the unbroken thing will be a wash and you will have made an challenge for nothing. Enjoy your holiday.
As far as letting a 6 year old make a outcome, in this case I would listen carefully to what the child have to say. He has his whole vivacity to work out his relationship with his mother. It sounds like he's hurt by her actions toward him. All you can do if she does ask is explain to her he isn't interested.
Don't put that little boy through all that! He is a member of your family not hers. You should purely stick with your family tradition and have your holiday body.She obviously does not care for any of her children.So let her be the one to suffer.She have your entire family running at her beck and call.Do you know how screwed up those kids are going to be?They need a solid core people unit.Not some nit wit fly by the night mother.Let him see his brothers and sister anytime it is possible to do so.(without disrupting your family).She's only going to bestow negative impression on him anyway.Everything should be consistent in a child's energy.STAY AT HOME!
I'm a believer in nurture not nature. He is YOUR son, don't break your plans... I wouldnt, if she hasnt expressed an interest in seeing YOUR son, consequently I would look at it as: She hasn't said she wants to see him, your son doesn't want to talk to her.
You could maybe ask you son if he desires to see her, if he said aswell he doesnt want to see her, I wouldn't go out of my way to allow her to see him.
He sounds like he's already making decision about his own relationships. I think children should be empowered to trademark their own choices whenever possible, and for a six year old to be that insightful, I'd say he has shown that he can rob responsibility for his own decisions. Support whatever choice he makes.
Maybe you could sort the visit a quick one, and keep your inspired plans, too. I'd leave it up to him how long he wants to spend with her (if he wishes to go at all).
Related Questions:
Will ovary transplants drift into adoption domain?
Am i competent to adopt a child even if im single?
18 year prehistoric adopt twins?
My son's birthmother is family. She is my cousin. She had 5 children by 4 different men. Her children were contained by and out of the state system a total of 7 years. Luckily my son was the youngest and did not have to go contained by and out for 7 years. She had every chance to get her children hindmost but just would not try, thus termination. Her oldest (son) lives with my parents, her daughter now lives near her step-mother (recap, birth father got custody, left daughter with wife step-mom and moved 900 miles away to hook put a bet on up with my cousin, thus step-mom was given custody), third child lives with grandparents on father's side, fourth child passed away, and her second is my son.
When my husband and I adopted our son we talked with her we told her we needed to keep an open line of communication, but she does not write, phone or visit. I call her to make contact and permit her know how he is doing, I post pictures on my sites so she can see them. The last time she visited was 2 years ago. Last year we took our son and his partially brother to Florida to visit their half-sister. They all have equal birthmom (my cousin), during this time last year she was also living in Florida. At this lunch jamboree she took pictures of my son's brother, but not of my son. Finally my little one spoke up and said he would take pictures too. It just broke my heart.
Over the past year when I call to give her an update he has not wanted to discuss to her. Just recently she was on the phone with her other son and we be at his house and I asked my little one if he wanted to talk to her and he said no. (my son is 6 now we hold had him since he was 15 months, in sytem at 10 months)
Now roughly the visit. My cousin's daughter is visiting with them for a few weeks and afterwards they are to bring her to my parent's house so she can spend a few weeks with her brother's before going back to the step-mom (fyi who she choose to live with). They are bringing her 4th of July which is a big holiday for my clan, we have a cook-out, party and see the fireworks all together. My husband and I own talked about it and any other weekend we do not have an issue next to a visit, but to make it a holiday weekend when we have plans, it only just messes everything up. Originally they were to bring her the end of June. So now what do I do, rework my family plans and take him to my mom's for a visit next to her, or do I just not take him and stick with our tradition. Do I confer him, a 6 year old a choice and see what he wants to do, but what about my step-kids, transmit them, well we had to change plans? Truth, she have not even told us she was coming, she told my mother. Any advice?
Go with your heart, If you guess this is going to upset your son then stay at home with your original plan, if his birth mum is upset TOUGH she is fully fledged and explain that you will do what is best for the child ALWAYS. She may be the birth mum but you are the mum that cuddle & hug and love without being told to.
whatever you choose for your inherited is right because you are MUM bits of paper say it but your son SHOUTS it every time he comes home. It's just a simple Hi Mum but it shows who he requests and wants
Good Luck though i don't think you need it big heart are in short Supply and reading you letter i think you enjoy a huge heart
I think she only cares in the region of herself. You do what you think is best.
Your question is a bit confusing. I give attention to your asking about a visit with a sibling? (Not his 1st mom, correct?)
If this is your son's sibling who's visit, what is the problem with inviting her & your mom to join your family for the 4th celebration? Problem Solved! No one is excluded. No one misses out.
On the rest of your post: Please DO NOT ask your 6 year matured DIRECTLY whether or not he wants to see his 1st mom. That is an emotionally LOADED question (even for an older child) and it puts closely of pressure squarely on his small shoulders.
Makes me think about being a kid, worrying if my parents might divorce. "Do you love mommy more? Or daddy? Who would you fairly live with?" How is a child supposed to answer those questions (honestly) without hurting someone's sensations?
Rather, listen to & watch the ques your son is giving you (in reference to contact/communication with his 1st mom). You asked if he considered necessary to talk to her and he said "no". Pay attention to those ques!! Your son may be hurt by a forced relationship with his 1st mom. Or b/c he sees 1st mom own more of a connection with her older children/his sib's.
You can just do so much to keep the lines of communication open. The rest is not up to you. So LET IT GO! STOP trying so hard! You are NOT obligated to force the issue beside 1st mom. You're making yourself crazy (& a little bit angry in the process). As a mom, I'd be angry too at the other parent for my child's sake if that parent didn't want/attempt to keep within touch. I get that!
I'd drop that effort like a hot potato and a short time ago move forward with your family. Let your child BE your son...a member of YOUR kinfolk. Keep contact with his siblings as much as possible. Don't deny his "extended family". But don't make it such a HUGE deal, any. Let him just be a kid.
If 1st mom calls, wants photos, etc., discuss to her, send her pictures. Keep posting on that web site. And keep her within your prayers! Honestly, it sounds like she may have some serious mental or emotional issues she's dealing next to (or is not being treated for).
BREATHE, RELAX, LET GO! And just enjoy your loved ones. Embrace his siblings as you would any step children or extended family. They can be an added bonus to your life. You may be surprised.
Hugs... Source(s): BSE adoptee happily reunited within 1983
Are you serious? All of that back information isn't necessary. All it did judging by the answers you get was fueled the ugly answers of what people regard as of women who have had to surrender their children.
Let me rephrase your question for you:
My son's biological mother have been distant most of his life. We have taken toddler steps in maintaining contact, but it's been tricky. We enjoy just found out at the last minute she will be in town visit with family, but it isn't when we thought she was going to come. It conflicts next to a family traditional holiday party and my other children would be heartbroken to miss out on this tradition. That mortal said, it would be just as difficult to miss out on this opportunity to reach out again towards my son's biological mother. I'm leaning towards the people tradition instead because of how awkward and last minute this trip was and we weren't necessarily the purpose of her trip. What would you do?
Stick with your kinfolk plans, and then do a better job of reaching out to her another time soon.
Edit to add: Protecting your son medium that you don't immediately bring out the drama llama details concerning his mother to anyone or everyone that will listen. None of the details you gave concerning her, from who she slept with to who the father of her other children had *anything* to do with the question need to be answered. All it did was reaffirm all the ill will you hold towards that woman. And if you don't construe your son is going to pick up on how you feel about her, and think that it is a direct care on him, than you are naive.
Instead of wanting your question answered, I'm now thinking that you did indeed want a suitable portion of answers confirming that you are better than her.
Magic pointe shoes i believe that maybe you should stop for a second and realize "I don't in a minute it all'! Who are you to tell someone how to write something. That woman was asking for advise on a awfully touchy situation and all you could say was "you should enjoy said it my way" and then to tell her to try harder with the mother.." Well this is what I say aloud " You are his mother, not her (the birth mother), so stop binding over backward for her and let her make the first step to see him and thats solely if he wants to. If she doesn't like it then perchance she should have thought of that before losing her kids." Both my parents were losers and losed me and my 5 sibling when we be young. I fill no remorse for dead pulsation parents.
I say dont ruin your kinfolk tradition plans- if she really wants to see him she will make the attempt or make other arangments. You are his mother now-not her- she have that chance! Its clear that your son will probably not want to go see her anyways! If you change your plans it will ruin everyone contained by your familys plans- that everyone probably looks forward to! She gave the choice to be a bad parent- and sounds like you are a extremely good mother and are trying not to selfish- and that is so sweet of you! If you want you could tell him going on for his choices and see what he wants to do to ease your mind... Good Luck and hope everything works out for you!
Magic Pointe Shoes! Your rewording of the OP's question was utterly remarkable!! You rid the entire question of anything that would invite judgement and detest. I applaud you..
And I estimate your 'answer' was spot on! Source(s): Wish I had the knack for conciseness and diplomacy!
You're not just babysitting for 18 years, you're his mom. Your job is to protect him from pain and heartache of rejection. I don't see any involve to change your plans to accommodate a visit with his birth mother who clearly isn't competent to be 'motherly'.
As far as asking a 6 year old what he would like to do? I think I would dally til he is much older before asking him to decide. There are copious factors in this situation that he isn't able to fathom out, too immature to deal with and could complicate his enthusiasm.
Congratulations for being an angel and giving this little boy a family.
If I were you.I would do whatever it take to keep the peace for the sake of your achild.
Yes..you have done her a favor and yes it seems approaching she's being unappreciative to say the smallest but what really matters is how all of this is going to affect your achild and his siblings. Half/QTR/Full whatever...they are his siblings.
Is missing your 4th celebration for a moment ago one year going to ruin all of your 4th celebrations?
Try to be flexible and keep it about the children and not the adults.
Keep within mind the step kids and you can see him everyday and every holiday.
Either invite your mother and all the kids to your 4th party or let him jump visit. Your making an mountain out of a mole hill. Source(s): Adults sometimes act close to children themselves.
I think since your son is 6 he should have some say surrounded by it. Of course you have the final say as you are the adult and the parent but I mull over at 6 your son is old enough to have a right to be heard in it (if you feel he is able to). it really sounds approaching your cousin is not thinking about how she is affecting her children and since she is not thinking about them i think it is pious that you are. Your in a tough boat and I wish you the best!
Answers: I am all for children anyone in touch with their first families, but in that are always exceptions and to be honest this sounds like one of them. It would cause bitter sensations with the other kids, and possibly with your/her youngest son to change your nearest and dearest tradition. If she wants to see him let her make arrangements. Other learned I wouldn't push the issue. It's kind of you to acknowledge that she is going to be around, but with no communication from her, it sounds like the unbroken thing will be a wash and you will have made an challenge for nothing. Enjoy your holiday.
As far as letting a 6 year old make a outcome, in this case I would listen carefully to what the child have to say. He has his whole vivacity to work out his relationship with his mother. It sounds like he's hurt by her actions toward him. All you can do if she does ask is explain to her he isn't interested.
Don't put that little boy through all that! He is a member of your family not hers. You should purely stick with your family tradition and have your holiday body.She obviously does not care for any of her children.So let her be the one to suffer.She have your entire family running at her beck and call.Do you know how screwed up those kids are going to be?They need a solid core people unit.Not some nit wit fly by the night mother.Let him see his brothers and sister anytime it is possible to do so.(without disrupting your family).She's only going to bestow negative impression on him anyway.Everything should be consistent in a child's energy.STAY AT HOME!
I'm a believer in nurture not nature. He is YOUR son, don't break your plans... I wouldnt, if she hasnt expressed an interest in seeing YOUR son, consequently I would look at it as: She hasn't said she wants to see him, your son doesn't want to talk to her.
You could maybe ask you son if he desires to see her, if he said aswell he doesnt want to see her, I wouldn't go out of my way to allow her to see him.
He sounds like he's already making decision about his own relationships. I think children should be empowered to trademark their own choices whenever possible, and for a six year old to be that insightful, I'd say he has shown that he can rob responsibility for his own decisions. Support whatever choice he makes.
Maybe you could sort the visit a quick one, and keep your inspired plans, too. I'd leave it up to him how long he wants to spend with her (if he wishes to go at all).
Related Questions: