Closed/semi-closed adoption still possible?
I am placing my child for adoption, and am hoping for a closed adoption. it's not because i don't love this baby, it's because my family are really messed up (and i mean, really, really messed up), as is the father. i made a mistake, but i won't tolerate her pay for it.
the agencies i have talked to so far read aloud that they don't generally support closed adoptions, and one agency wouldn't even talk near me about it. shouldnt' this be my choice? i know that open adoptions are supposed to be in good health for the kid, i've done my research, but it won't be healthier if she is not safe.
i am in chilliwack, bc, canada...are closed adoption still legal? is that an option?
Wow.
I'm really sorry you had a sucky childhood. :(
I'm pretty sure closed adoption is legal contained by Canada, but I have to agree wth other posters, it's really not in anyone's best interest, least of adjectives, hers.
Even with the best of intentions, she can't really know what's in your heart unless you tell her, and at the extremely least, open adoption would give you the piece of mind of knowing if she is OK, and knowing that she have her own history.
I am but a lowly "PAP", so I'm going to let those more qualified talk about the ramification of this. All I can say is to take care of yourself, and do what you own to do to heal. Again, I'm sorry. Good luck.
ETA: I just wanted to check on something...hold you thought about placing the child with a trusted friend, or in foster prudence after the birth so that you can make the decision then? Not one and only would it buy you some time to make absolutely the right decision, but you can see if anything contained by your situation changes.
I'm not trying to pressure you either way...I'm merely thinking...if nothing else, it gives you more time and opportunity to find the best possible situation for your baby and for yourself. Source(s): soon to be adoptive mom - foster safekeeping
Is there a intention why you can't break ties with them and become the kind of mother you want your child to have? If you want something different for her, the solitary way to ensure that she'll get it is to give it to her yourself. Adoptive parents can be impertinent, too. And especially with a closed adoption, you won't know what kind of environment your child ends up in until s/he comes to find you, if that ever happen. Why would you be willing to take the chance that you're sending your child into the exact environment that you're trying to attain him/her away from, when you have within your power to start fresh and give your child everything you want him/her to enjoy?
ETA: The father has the same rights to the child that you do, so if he wants to parent this child, he have the right to. He MUST sign his rights away, just like you. If you sign your rights away and he doesn't, guess what? He might just close up parenting this child, and you won't have a leg to stand on. Please, please reconsider! And yes, an adoptive home COULD be worse than what you experienced. There are plenty of stories of children who have died at the hand of their abusive adoptive parents. You need to be aware that the ONLY way to ensure your child's sanctuary is to CREATE IT YOURSELF! If you let this child go, you are taking great chances...you DON'T own to do that!
Listen, I was abused, too. You can heal that. You can't heal adoption. Once it's done, it's forever. You won't be a best mother, but NO ONE IS! You'll be a GOOD ENOUGH mother, and you'll be the very best mother your child could ever have, simply because nature MADE you your child's mother. If you don't want to rough up your child, you don't have to. Just the fact that you want what's best for your child tells me that you will be a great mother! You simply have to work at it, and you'll do fine. But you can't control what others do to your child. Once that child is out of your hands, you can't give him/her the life span you want him/her to have.
I guess my first cross-question is, are you planning to ever have children that you will raise..because this situation will always be at hand. Well, that is, at least until your offending parents pass away.
At least possible, that is what you seem to be saying.
People beside bad parents have raised children and manage to keep their children away from the offenders, but if you cannot see a way to do that, you could still do an unfurl adoption. Give your name to the couple who adopt, and make sure they understand that it is to be kept confidential.
Your child will most feasible want to know who you are, and she will want that connection with you. If she has the nouns with you, you can explain the situation to her regarding your family and her drug dealing father.
However, if you own a closed adoption, she will not know what happened. She might feel rejected by you. She might then try to find you and might call a halt up finding your parents.
If you are unwilling or unable to raise your daughter yourself, open out adoption is the best way. Just because it's open does not mean you hold to expose her to her extended family. That's true even if you decide to raise your daughter yourself.
Answers: While I'm not generally a supporter of adoption, and especially not of closed adoption - your particular case is one of the very exceptionally few where I could actually be convinced otherwise.
While I don't know what luck you'll have surrounded by finding an agency to organise a closed adoption for you, it may be possible for you to 'find' potential adopters elsewhere (no doubt you'll already've been inundated by begging messages just for posting this cross-examine, for example). If you do happen to find worthy potential adopters without having to walk through an agency, then I'm pretty sure that could bring the legal costs down drastically.
If you do go the closed route, a word of deterrent though: remember to send with your child as much non-identifying information as is humanly possible. Things like are at hand certain illnesses prevalent within yours or the dad's families? And maybe even strange sounding things like your favourite colour, flower, song, hobbies, instrument, food, flavours, etc. You could include where you are a morning, evening, afternoon or dark type of person. While things such as the medical history can be considered an essential, the other things are the things that your child will know you by, and also things that they may be able to fill 'gaps' contained by their personality with.
If you're going to go down the closed adoption route, after I suggest all of the above, in addition to the explanation (like the one you give us, only much more indepth) you gave us as to why you wish to progress down this route, despite knowing the research that it's 'healthier' to have an open adoption. In this communication, you need to be explaining to your kid why you thought they would be safer elsewhere, and why you want to do your best to break rotten contact as cleanly as possible.
Like I say, I don't usually go pro-adoption, but in your covering, I hope that neither of you suffer too much from it, and that both of your lives improve dramatically in the none-too-distant future. You hold my kindest thoughts.
ETA: The Wall of Open Adoption
http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html Source(s): Knowing what kind of things would've helped me as an adoptee growing up.
It's entirely up to you. Some adoptive families still prefer this option because they feel it would be "safer" for them but a semi-open and approachable adoption, like we have, works very okay too. And it's true you do not have to expose the baby to the messed up part of your loved ones.
You could consider a semi-open adoption with a lot of restrictions and choose a family that would respect the possibility of crack a little more later on as you grow more comfortable. There are no guarantees of any kind that this will evolve though.
We honoured our promise to our son's birth mom because in the end, it's him we answer to. That's what we are promising anyone who may consider us now this time around.
If you want closed, not a soul should be forcing you to do otherwise. I'm just suggesting that you may want to be involved on a very basic plane at least. But it's up to you completely.
You said:
"i made a mistake, but i won't let her pay for it."
By giving this child up to adoption - you are making this child reimburse for it.
FACT.
Get away from your family - far far far away - if that's what it takes.
Make a fresh start - with you and your babe.
Make you and this child your family.
It sucks to be given away. Source(s): Me = Aussie adoptee.
I'm in Vernon. They are still legal, but there are a couple of organization in BC that run adoption agencies, and these organizations are opposed to closed adoption.
Most agencies would be open to it. It depends...is the problem that you're not willing to give any info just about yourself at all? They do want to have an idea what is going on beside you.
I know you said you've done research, and I can't make your choice for you, but please do some more checking. I know you're scared right now, but closed adoption are really, really archaic, for a lot of reasons. Good luck making your decision, and travel with your gut. Source(s): Adoptee (product of a closed adoption), Adoptive Mother, Foster Mother
Hi
Im sorry you're going through such a rough time. I was doing some research.. Closed adoptions are still official but not very popular...
they call it now openness-and they enjoy various degrees of openness-from recieving pictures and updates of your child every once in a while to have visitation.
Both parties will agree on what kind of openness they want.
Ok here's some info I found...
http://www.fsgv.ca/programpages/adoption…
http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/direct…
http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/contac…
This distinctive agency has both closed and open adoptions
http://www.adoptionbc.com/howtoplace-ado…
This website consultation about Openness and the degrees of open adoption
http://www.bcadoption.com/site_page.asp?…
I know it must an extremely thorny decision to make but dont feel fruitless about what others think about it-especially on here-lots of inhabitants against adoption... but you're doing the best thing for your baby and ultimately that is what counts.
God Bless you and virtuous luck!
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the agencies i have talked to so far read aloud that they don't generally support closed adoptions, and one agency wouldn't even talk near me about it. shouldnt' this be my choice? i know that open adoptions are supposed to be in good health for the kid, i've done my research, but it won't be healthier if she is not safe.
i am in chilliwack, bc, canada...are closed adoption still legal? is that an option?
Wow.
I'm really sorry you had a sucky childhood. :(
I'm pretty sure closed adoption is legal contained by Canada, but I have to agree wth other posters, it's really not in anyone's best interest, least of adjectives, hers.
Even with the best of intentions, she can't really know what's in your heart unless you tell her, and at the extremely least, open adoption would give you the piece of mind of knowing if she is OK, and knowing that she have her own history.
I am but a lowly "PAP", so I'm going to let those more qualified talk about the ramification of this. All I can say is to take care of yourself, and do what you own to do to heal. Again, I'm sorry. Good luck.
ETA: I just wanted to check on something...hold you thought about placing the child with a trusted friend, or in foster prudence after the birth so that you can make the decision then? Not one and only would it buy you some time to make absolutely the right decision, but you can see if anything contained by your situation changes.
I'm not trying to pressure you either way...I'm merely thinking...if nothing else, it gives you more time and opportunity to find the best possible situation for your baby and for yourself. Source(s): soon to be adoptive mom - foster safekeeping
Is there a intention why you can't break ties with them and become the kind of mother you want your child to have? If you want something different for her, the solitary way to ensure that she'll get it is to give it to her yourself. Adoptive parents can be impertinent, too. And especially with a closed adoption, you won't know what kind of environment your child ends up in until s/he comes to find you, if that ever happen. Why would you be willing to take the chance that you're sending your child into the exact environment that you're trying to attain him/her away from, when you have within your power to start fresh and give your child everything you want him/her to enjoy?
ETA: The father has the same rights to the child that you do, so if he wants to parent this child, he have the right to. He MUST sign his rights away, just like you. If you sign your rights away and he doesn't, guess what? He might just close up parenting this child, and you won't have a leg to stand on. Please, please reconsider! And yes, an adoptive home COULD be worse than what you experienced. There are plenty of stories of children who have died at the hand of their abusive adoptive parents. You need to be aware that the ONLY way to ensure your child's sanctuary is to CREATE IT YOURSELF! If you let this child go, you are taking great chances...you DON'T own to do that!
Listen, I was abused, too. You can heal that. You can't heal adoption. Once it's done, it's forever. You won't be a best mother, but NO ONE IS! You'll be a GOOD ENOUGH mother, and you'll be the very best mother your child could ever have, simply because nature MADE you your child's mother. If you don't want to rough up your child, you don't have to. Just the fact that you want what's best for your child tells me that you will be a great mother! You simply have to work at it, and you'll do fine. But you can't control what others do to your child. Once that child is out of your hands, you can't give him/her the life span you want him/her to have.
I guess my first cross-question is, are you planning to ever have children that you will raise..because this situation will always be at hand. Well, that is, at least until your offending parents pass away.
At least possible, that is what you seem to be saying.
People beside bad parents have raised children and manage to keep their children away from the offenders, but if you cannot see a way to do that, you could still do an unfurl adoption. Give your name to the couple who adopt, and make sure they understand that it is to be kept confidential.
Your child will most feasible want to know who you are, and she will want that connection with you. If she has the nouns with you, you can explain the situation to her regarding your family and her drug dealing father.
However, if you own a closed adoption, she will not know what happened. She might feel rejected by you. She might then try to find you and might call a halt up finding your parents.
If you are unwilling or unable to raise your daughter yourself, open out adoption is the best way. Just because it's open does not mean you hold to expose her to her extended family. That's true even if you decide to raise your daughter yourself.
Answers: While I'm not generally a supporter of adoption, and especially not of closed adoption - your particular case is one of the very exceptionally few where I could actually be convinced otherwise.
While I don't know what luck you'll have surrounded by finding an agency to organise a closed adoption for you, it may be possible for you to 'find' potential adopters elsewhere (no doubt you'll already've been inundated by begging messages just for posting this cross-examine, for example). If you do happen to find worthy potential adopters without having to walk through an agency, then I'm pretty sure that could bring the legal costs down drastically.
If you do go the closed route, a word of deterrent though: remember to send with your child as much non-identifying information as is humanly possible. Things like are at hand certain illnesses prevalent within yours or the dad's families? And maybe even strange sounding things like your favourite colour, flower, song, hobbies, instrument, food, flavours, etc. You could include where you are a morning, evening, afternoon or dark type of person. While things such as the medical history can be considered an essential, the other things are the things that your child will know you by, and also things that they may be able to fill 'gaps' contained by their personality with.
If you're going to go down the closed adoption route, after I suggest all of the above, in addition to the explanation (like the one you give us, only much more indepth) you gave us as to why you wish to progress down this route, despite knowing the research that it's 'healthier' to have an open adoption. In this communication, you need to be explaining to your kid why you thought they would be safer elsewhere, and why you want to do your best to break rotten contact as cleanly as possible.
Like I say, I don't usually go pro-adoption, but in your covering, I hope that neither of you suffer too much from it, and that both of your lives improve dramatically in the none-too-distant future. You hold my kindest thoughts.
ETA: The Wall of Open Adoption
http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html Source(s): Knowing what kind of things would've helped me as an adoptee growing up.
It's entirely up to you. Some adoptive families still prefer this option because they feel it would be "safer" for them but a semi-open and approachable adoption, like we have, works very okay too. And it's true you do not have to expose the baby to the messed up part of your loved ones.
You could consider a semi-open adoption with a lot of restrictions and choose a family that would respect the possibility of crack a little more later on as you grow more comfortable. There are no guarantees of any kind that this will evolve though.
We honoured our promise to our son's birth mom because in the end, it's him we answer to. That's what we are promising anyone who may consider us now this time around.
If you want closed, not a soul should be forcing you to do otherwise. I'm just suggesting that you may want to be involved on a very basic plane at least. But it's up to you completely.
You said:
"i made a mistake, but i won't let her pay for it."
By giving this child up to adoption - you are making this child reimburse for it.
FACT.
Get away from your family - far far far away - if that's what it takes.
Make a fresh start - with you and your babe.
Make you and this child your family.
It sucks to be given away. Source(s): Me = Aussie adoptee.
I'm in Vernon. They are still legal, but there are a couple of organization in BC that run adoption agencies, and these organizations are opposed to closed adoption.
Most agencies would be open to it. It depends...is the problem that you're not willing to give any info just about yourself at all? They do want to have an idea what is going on beside you.
I know you said you've done research, and I can't make your choice for you, but please do some more checking. I know you're scared right now, but closed adoption are really, really archaic, for a lot of reasons. Good luck making your decision, and travel with your gut. Source(s): Adoptee (product of a closed adoption), Adoptive Mother, Foster Mother
Hi
Im sorry you're going through such a rough time. I was doing some research.. Closed adoptions are still official but not very popular...
they call it now openness-and they enjoy various degrees of openness-from recieving pictures and updates of your child every once in a while to have visitation.
Both parties will agree on what kind of openness they want.
Ok here's some info I found...
http://www.fsgv.ca/programpages/adoption…
http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/direct…
http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/contac…
This distinctive agency has both closed and open adoptions
http://www.adoptionbc.com/howtoplace-ado…
This website consultation about Openness and the degrees of open adoption
http://www.bcadoption.com/site_page.asp?…
I know it must an extremely thorny decision to make but dont feel fruitless about what others think about it-especially on here-lots of inhabitants against adoption... but you're doing the best thing for your baby and ultimately that is what counts.
God Bless you and virtuous luck!
Related Questions: