Do believe it is self-centred to disrupt your birth mother's vivacity?
I do. She has moved on. Those who search are not being sensitive!! Some here hold even said their birth mothers did not tell others about their adoption. This is selfish to turn her enthusiasm upside down so! Selfish!
Here we shift with the multiple exclamation point thing again. <rolls eyes>
OK, well bully for you, Ollie! I'm sure if your mother could see the being you've become, she'd be thrilled to know that you don't plan to contact her.
Each person's own reality is what's important. Not YOUR opinions on how they should run their lives.
Nope. And imo, you are just spouting the typical hogwash line that has be so overused in the attempt to prevent adoptees from searching. More and more I wonder if you are from an agency.
I was respectful next to my search, as were the volunteers who helped me. When I contacted my mom, I made sure she have privacy before even telling her a thing. I regard as when someone relinquishes a child, the possibility of that child seeking them out in the future should be considered par for the course.
What I consider selfish is family trying to make others feel guilty or wrong for searching for their roots.
You don't speak for me or any other first mom. You hold no idea how we feel. You have no right to emphasize anything about us or about our feelings just about meeting our children.
It doesn't take long here to learn your campaign and desires to split the tides so we all stay properly on our "sides" but until you have faced an unforeseen pregnancy and surrendered your child, you know nothing about our side of things and honestly, yours is the last voice I would ever want speaking up for me or the other amazing first moms I enjoy been priviliged to know through this journey. Source(s): So happy reuniting beside my son turned my life "upside down." It was worth every single second!
Well, if I were childish, I suppose I could say "SHE DID IT FIRST!" as far as disrupting my life span goes. I don't think that is the shield though. She has clues to my life that I feel I own the right to know. I have had to deal beside my side of this, and she has had to deal near hers. Part of the whole adoption thing (imho) is the reunion. Me finding her, or her finding me, and at the very least possible, I should be given medical information and the facts about my racial background.
Part of giving up a child is accepting that they may come looking for you surrounded by the future.
I'm so glad that you can see things so black and white. It must be nice.
ETA: I used to think you be a bit callous and rather uninformed, but now I feel you are just out to hurt others. Nice way to get populace on board with your cause! Source(s): Adoptee, mother of 5
I think its only selfish if the birth mother made it be prearranged she didn't want to ever be found. If that isn't the case then how much harm can it really do... I ruminate the child has a right to know.
I used to think so and it kept me from questioning. Now I'm actively searching I really don't care about disrupting her energy. I don't know if she had a 'choice' or not. What I do know is I definitely did not have a choice. If my existence is not particular by her family, that's not my problem. I'm not going to deny what is rightfully mine to know just so I won't turn someone else's life upside down. My own vivacity has been turned upside down long enough.
Oh, it's Ollie, the pot stirrer. My mother looked for me for a couple of decades. Are you so afraid of rejection that you will not take the plunge? Ollie, she may if truth be told be looking for you...In the event that it is not all rosy, as most are not, I am whole in the knowhow of my roots and the untold stories of my birth. Source(s): The hole in my heart is filled through the ups and downs of reunion.
I don't care. An adoptee have the right to know where they came from, who they are related to and what their medical situation is.
I DO NOT believe many mothers move on. They don't' forget, they just swot to live with it and not talk about it.
Even if they did MOVE ON, not a soul should be a dirty little secret to keep from embarrassing some one else.
I don't judge women or men who parent children should have the right to hide from them. And I think adjectives this PROTECTION is a crock, to throw people off track of the real idea they don't want records opened. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL for their unethical practices.
ETA: I answered up to that time reading any other answers. You see, that dirty little secret thing is real, and NO ONE should enjoy to live like that.
I don’t think it’s selfish for either an adoptee or pure parent to search if that’s what they want. A natural parent or adoptee does not have to adopt contact they can say they are not interested.
No I do not think it is careless. My first mom was waiting for me to fine her. I have since found all of my siblings and made sure that the loved ones is reunited. My first mom refers to me as her "first born angel" because she says I was the one who put all the pieces fund together for her.
If a first mom wants no contact with a child she relinquished and she tell them that and they save insisting, then that is selfish.
Anyone have the right to say no to reunion and anyone who tried to force the issue after being told no, is selfish Source(s): grown adoptee/adoptive mom
No not selfish, many of us be told we were not allowed to look. When I found my daughter, my letter of intent be actually sent to her mom, just in skin she had never been told. There are sensitive ways to starting a reunion. If she would have told me to progress to hell, I would have backed off.
I didn't relate anyone I had a baby and keeping that secret nearly destroyed me, it be time to own up to what I had done. It was very uplifting for both of us. She had many unanswered question that I was able to answer. Source(s): In reunion since 2001
What's selfish about wanting to know your heritage and full identity? Wouldn't it be selfish to bring a child into the world consequently intentionally deny them these things?
Your questions are not only rude and insensitive, they're getting downright ridiculous.
I deduce it's not selfish at all.
I think that any mother who would not want to see their child, or even back them with things like medical records, beneath ANY circumstances must be a terrible Human being.
-snort-
Lies lead to cramp, most of us learn that at an early age, I`m not about to adopt being someone`s dirty little secret just so they can rear away from things they decided not to tell others.
And how about how an adoptee`s natural life is turned upside down... AT BIRTH! Sometimes life is painful, deal beside it. Source(s): I`m a freaking person not a dirty little secret.
My mother gave her first son up for adoption when she be 16. After she graduated she and my father married and lived happily ever after raising me and my two sisters. The first son be born before she met my father. My sisters and I weren't aware of our older brother until our mother told us when I was 18. I'm the youngest. She have just watched an episode of Montel Williams on the subject of biological parents reuinting beside adopted children. About 3 or 4 years later The agency that handled the adoption contacted my mother stating in that had been an inquiry about her. Of course she know what it was about. She had to present permission before the agency would give out any information, My brother be trying to track down his family medical history because he and his wife wanted to have a little one. He hoped for more of a relationship, and I'm very happy to say to be precise exactly what he got. He did make it clear from the beginning though that his adoptive mother be his "mom" We all live on the east coast while he lives on the west coast so it's kinda hard to be as close as we'd like, but conceivably the buffer is healthier for the relationship for the time being.
And is it selfish to distribute up your child because "its not a good time for you"? I think if you want to meet your legitimate mother that you deserve to meet her. She's the one that is selfish.. Not you.
Sorry if this isn't really what you considered necessary to hear. But its a hard peace of truth that I think you needed to hear.
I hope at least this help you in some small way or another.
What? Why are you against searching? If a person chooses to so its their own free will to put their name on a register and respond if there's an indication that she does want to gather round the child she gave up for adoption. As long as its done with some courtesy and consideration then I don't enjoy any problem with it at all.
Its more selfish to come up with only of your own needs, thats when it becames selfish, do we obligation to go into what courtesy means, your mother did teach you almost it didn't she.Ollie you're not helping... Source(s): Adoptive mum
Nope.
That having been said, they are human beings, so mortal respectful when searching is a kind thing to do, resembling not contacting their entire extended family before speaking with them.
But if specifically the only way to reach them, what can you do?
Adoptees hold the right to search. They have the right to look for answers. Period.
This is such a ridiculous question. Sigh. Source(s): Adoptee, Adoptive Mom, Foster Mom
Answers: You really need to wake up on the right side of the bed. All this anger and hate you hold for your fellow adoptee's, it not healthy.
"Do believe it is selfish to disrupt your birth mother's life?"
Nope and the statistics support me. Studies enjoy shown that 95-97% of natural mothers worldwide want contact with their child.
"She has moved on."
Your using the adoption industry definition of "moved on". That definition is they hold forgotten about their child and have progressed on with the enthusiasm.
But in the real world natural mothers "may" verbs with their lives, but they DO NOT forgot their child. Unresolved grief or something known is now more commonly particular as "disenfranchised grief". Yes, O-Ollie "disenfranchised" is a big word and I do understand that you may have trouble comprehending its meaning. But, lurk I'm a male and I understand it perfectly.
"Those who rummage through are not being sensitive!!"
Wow. Talk about being insensitive to another human being or group of people. You must be really really hurting inside. Its clear, you dont have the intestinal fortitude to search for your pure family, so you are taking it out on everyone else.
"Some here have even said their birth mothers did not tell others around their adoption. "
You have heard of the stigma of a being a single mum within those days. I'm sure you heard it was considered cough cough SELFISH for these mother's to keep their child.
Funny adequate. I just related such a story. Lets see. There no was Veto. You do know what a veto is? Or, do you need myself or someone else to inculcate you that. She also stayed in contact with me for 5 years. Well, tickle me pink. I must have really and truly turned her vivacity upside down, inside out; hmmmm and yet she still holds her job as a psychiatric nurse.
"This is selfish to turn her vivacity upside down so! Selfish!"
Unless, you know everyone's circumstances, you Fail again
Like in my situation she was already estranged by family years ago by her own activities.
no i don't. I didn't disrupt her enthusiasm, i had an open adoption and she was other there, although in the backgrounf. So was my first father and my two siblings who werent given up.
Thats why i regard open Adoption is a good idea.
ETA: no mother every really moves on.
Oh dear you're put a bet on with your insensitive remarks.
No it isn't selfish to search or individual insensitive. I may have 'moved on' but I had no choice other than to do so. That doesn't penny-pinching I didn't want to parent, I didn't want to know, I didn't care about my son.
It wasn't his fault he be adopted and it was his right to want questions answered,
I other thought about my son and was glad when we reunited as it's what we both wanted. He turned my existence upside down but I would rather have that than not know.
The selfish society were my parents who didn't want me to raise him then played a mitt in us not reuniting years before.
Your paranoia is showing.
Natural mothers never forget. If anything turns our lives upside down, it is adoption and the unprincipled way that we were used and discarded for our flesh.
Until you are a natural mom, don't speak for us.
Is it unkind to want what is yours anyway? It is my story. It is my heritage. It was kept from me so I went and got it backbone. I did so respectfully and, surprise, we are BOTH really glad that I did. I would have accepted the information alone.the relationship I gained have been a huge bonus.
You should think about trying it Ollie. Source(s): Searched and found.
I think I have a right to meet her, I'm not going to ask to be a section of her life but I have questions that I want answered and I'm going to bring back them.
It's inconsiderate to actually "disrupt" anyone's life, but just making contact isn't disruptive. It would be disruptive to bid her twenty times a day after being asked to stop, to flood her mailbox with correspondence, to mow your initials into her front law, to publish her personal information in the newspaper, to lurk outside her home and work staring at her... primarily, it would be disruptive to act like a crazy stalker.
But one polite letter or phone give the name to try to establish contact is hardly disruptive. She has every right to decline. It's not at all careless to reach out, when the other person can just read out no, and may want contact very much.
I disagree with you. There is no way to know if she is against assemblage her child unless you ask her. Assuming otherwise is not a good choice in life. People are not mind reader.
Actually I would devise it selfish of her not to meet me at least once and share medical information near me.
I also find it selfish for people to keep history and information for adoptees.
I beg to differ.
My mother wanted me contained by her life. She kept asking for me to come back.
Not that you would care.
Thx for the 2 pts.
Well. O-Ollie, you keep some interesting company.Thomas Atwood of the NCFA, Adam Pertman of the Donaldson Institute, adjectives of you concerned with the feelings of poor little old us birthmothers, who quake contained by fear at the thought of all those big, scary children who are going to come and out us! Or, Heaven Forbid! What will the neighbors reckon? I shudder to think! Lets just hope that they think as I do that it is none of Adam Pertman's business, none of the NCFA's business, none of Thomas Atwood's business; and it is MOST CERTAINLY none of YOUR business.
I guess that you are lower than some misconception, like your illustrious friends, that we mothers are too meek and mild to speak on our own behalf. Let me quickly dissuade you of that curious notion! We are not singular able, we are ready and willing to do so.
Here is what we mothers construe about your suggestion, and your question. I don't want you to think that we are singling you out for this, any, since I have personally sent messages to all of them, and this, presently to you.SHUT UP! YOU HAVE PRESUMED ON OUR GOOD WILL FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND WE ARE OFFICIALLY TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP. WE CAN SPEAK FOR OURSELVES, AND DON'T WANT OR NEED YOU TO DO IT FOR US.
There, now you know. You have been properly notify. We will take it from here, thank you.
SLY, Mother
Related Questions:
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Have you hear of cases of elder or sick populace adopt a child for extra income?
Why do some relations judge that I should not adopt?
Here we shift with the multiple exclamation point thing again. <rolls eyes>
OK, well bully for you, Ollie! I'm sure if your mother could see the being you've become, she'd be thrilled to know that you don't plan to contact her.
Each person's own reality is what's important. Not YOUR opinions on how they should run their lives.
Nope. And imo, you are just spouting the typical hogwash line that has be so overused in the attempt to prevent adoptees from searching. More and more I wonder if you are from an agency.
I was respectful next to my search, as were the volunteers who helped me. When I contacted my mom, I made sure she have privacy before even telling her a thing. I regard as when someone relinquishes a child, the possibility of that child seeking them out in the future should be considered par for the course.
What I consider selfish is family trying to make others feel guilty or wrong for searching for their roots.
You don't speak for me or any other first mom. You hold no idea how we feel. You have no right to emphasize anything about us or about our feelings just about meeting our children.
It doesn't take long here to learn your campaign and desires to split the tides so we all stay properly on our "sides" but until you have faced an unforeseen pregnancy and surrendered your child, you know nothing about our side of things and honestly, yours is the last voice I would ever want speaking up for me or the other amazing first moms I enjoy been priviliged to know through this journey. Source(s): So happy reuniting beside my son turned my life "upside down." It was worth every single second!
Well, if I were childish, I suppose I could say "SHE DID IT FIRST!" as far as disrupting my life span goes. I don't think that is the shield though. She has clues to my life that I feel I own the right to know. I have had to deal beside my side of this, and she has had to deal near hers. Part of the whole adoption thing (imho) is the reunion. Me finding her, or her finding me, and at the very least possible, I should be given medical information and the facts about my racial background.
Part of giving up a child is accepting that they may come looking for you surrounded by the future.
I'm so glad that you can see things so black and white. It must be nice.
ETA: I used to think you be a bit callous and rather uninformed, but now I feel you are just out to hurt others. Nice way to get populace on board with your cause! Source(s): Adoptee, mother of 5
I think its only selfish if the birth mother made it be prearranged she didn't want to ever be found. If that isn't the case then how much harm can it really do... I ruminate the child has a right to know.
I used to think so and it kept me from questioning. Now I'm actively searching I really don't care about disrupting her energy. I don't know if she had a 'choice' or not. What I do know is I definitely did not have a choice. If my existence is not particular by her family, that's not my problem. I'm not going to deny what is rightfully mine to know just so I won't turn someone else's life upside down. My own vivacity has been turned upside down long enough.
Oh, it's Ollie, the pot stirrer. My mother looked for me for a couple of decades. Are you so afraid of rejection that you will not take the plunge? Ollie, she may if truth be told be looking for you...In the event that it is not all rosy, as most are not, I am whole in the knowhow of my roots and the untold stories of my birth. Source(s): The hole in my heart is filled through the ups and downs of reunion.
I don't care. An adoptee have the right to know where they came from, who they are related to and what their medical situation is.
I DO NOT believe many mothers move on. They don't' forget, they just swot to live with it and not talk about it.
Even if they did MOVE ON, not a soul should be a dirty little secret to keep from embarrassing some one else.
I don't judge women or men who parent children should have the right to hide from them. And I think adjectives this PROTECTION is a crock, to throw people off track of the real idea they don't want records opened. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL for their unethical practices.
ETA: I answered up to that time reading any other answers. You see, that dirty little secret thing is real, and NO ONE should enjoy to live like that.
I don’t think it’s selfish for either an adoptee or pure parent to search if that’s what they want. A natural parent or adoptee does not have to adopt contact they can say they are not interested.
No I do not think it is careless. My first mom was waiting for me to fine her. I have since found all of my siblings and made sure that the loved ones is reunited. My first mom refers to me as her "first born angel" because she says I was the one who put all the pieces fund together for her.
If a first mom wants no contact with a child she relinquished and she tell them that and they save insisting, then that is selfish.
Anyone have the right to say no to reunion and anyone who tried to force the issue after being told no, is selfish Source(s): grown adoptee/adoptive mom
No not selfish, many of us be told we were not allowed to look. When I found my daughter, my letter of intent be actually sent to her mom, just in skin she had never been told. There are sensitive ways to starting a reunion. If she would have told me to progress to hell, I would have backed off.
I didn't relate anyone I had a baby and keeping that secret nearly destroyed me, it be time to own up to what I had done. It was very uplifting for both of us. She had many unanswered question that I was able to answer. Source(s): In reunion since 2001
What's selfish about wanting to know your heritage and full identity? Wouldn't it be selfish to bring a child into the world consequently intentionally deny them these things?
Your questions are not only rude and insensitive, they're getting downright ridiculous.
I deduce it's not selfish at all.
I think that any mother who would not want to see their child, or even back them with things like medical records, beneath ANY circumstances must be a terrible Human being.
-snort-
Lies lead to cramp, most of us learn that at an early age, I`m not about to adopt being someone`s dirty little secret just so they can rear away from things they decided not to tell others.
And how about how an adoptee`s natural life is turned upside down... AT BIRTH! Sometimes life is painful, deal beside it. Source(s): I`m a freaking person not a dirty little secret.
My mother gave her first son up for adoption when she be 16. After she graduated she and my father married and lived happily ever after raising me and my two sisters. The first son be born before she met my father. My sisters and I weren't aware of our older brother until our mother told us when I was 18. I'm the youngest. She have just watched an episode of Montel Williams on the subject of biological parents reuinting beside adopted children. About 3 or 4 years later The agency that handled the adoption contacted my mother stating in that had been an inquiry about her. Of course she know what it was about. She had to present permission before the agency would give out any information, My brother be trying to track down his family medical history because he and his wife wanted to have a little one. He hoped for more of a relationship, and I'm very happy to say to be precise exactly what he got. He did make it clear from the beginning though that his adoptive mother be his "mom" We all live on the east coast while he lives on the west coast so it's kinda hard to be as close as we'd like, but conceivably the buffer is healthier for the relationship for the time being.
And is it selfish to distribute up your child because "its not a good time for you"? I think if you want to meet your legitimate mother that you deserve to meet her. She's the one that is selfish.. Not you.
Sorry if this isn't really what you considered necessary to hear. But its a hard peace of truth that I think you needed to hear.
I hope at least this help you in some small way or another.
What? Why are you against searching? If a person chooses to so its their own free will to put their name on a register and respond if there's an indication that she does want to gather round the child she gave up for adoption. As long as its done with some courtesy and consideration then I don't enjoy any problem with it at all.
Its more selfish to come up with only of your own needs, thats when it becames selfish, do we obligation to go into what courtesy means, your mother did teach you almost it didn't she.Ollie you're not helping... Source(s): Adoptive mum
Nope.
That having been said, they are human beings, so mortal respectful when searching is a kind thing to do, resembling not contacting their entire extended family before speaking with them.
But if specifically the only way to reach them, what can you do?
Adoptees hold the right to search. They have the right to look for answers. Period.
This is such a ridiculous question. Sigh. Source(s): Adoptee, Adoptive Mom, Foster Mom
Answers: You really need to wake up on the right side of the bed. All this anger and hate you hold for your fellow adoptee's, it not healthy.
"Do believe it is selfish to disrupt your birth mother's life?"
Nope and the statistics support me. Studies enjoy shown that 95-97% of natural mothers worldwide want contact with their child.
"She has moved on."
Your using the adoption industry definition of "moved on". That definition is they hold forgotten about their child and have progressed on with the enthusiasm.
But in the real world natural mothers "may" verbs with their lives, but they DO NOT forgot their child. Unresolved grief or something known is now more commonly particular as "disenfranchised grief". Yes, O-Ollie "disenfranchised" is a big word and I do understand that you may have trouble comprehending its meaning. But, lurk I'm a male and I understand it perfectly.
"Those who rummage through are not being sensitive!!"
Wow. Talk about being insensitive to another human being or group of people. You must be really really hurting inside. Its clear, you dont have the intestinal fortitude to search for your pure family, so you are taking it out on everyone else.
"Some here have even said their birth mothers did not tell others around their adoption. "
You have heard of the stigma of a being a single mum within those days. I'm sure you heard it was considered cough cough SELFISH for these mother's to keep their child.
Funny adequate. I just related such a story. Lets see. There no was Veto. You do know what a veto is? Or, do you need myself or someone else to inculcate you that. She also stayed in contact with me for 5 years. Well, tickle me pink. I must have really and truly turned her vivacity upside down, inside out; hmmmm and yet she still holds her job as a psychiatric nurse.
"This is selfish to turn her vivacity upside down so! Selfish!"
Unless, you know everyone's circumstances, you Fail again
Like in my situation she was already estranged by family years ago by her own activities.
no i don't. I didn't disrupt her enthusiasm, i had an open adoption and she was other there, although in the backgrounf. So was my first father and my two siblings who werent given up.
Thats why i regard open Adoption is a good idea.
ETA: no mother every really moves on.
Oh dear you're put a bet on with your insensitive remarks.
No it isn't selfish to search or individual insensitive. I may have 'moved on' but I had no choice other than to do so. That doesn't penny-pinching I didn't want to parent, I didn't want to know, I didn't care about my son.
It wasn't his fault he be adopted and it was his right to want questions answered,
I other thought about my son and was glad when we reunited as it's what we both wanted. He turned my existence upside down but I would rather have that than not know.
The selfish society were my parents who didn't want me to raise him then played a mitt in us not reuniting years before.
Your paranoia is showing.
Natural mothers never forget. If anything turns our lives upside down, it is adoption and the unprincipled way that we were used and discarded for our flesh.
Until you are a natural mom, don't speak for us.
Is it unkind to want what is yours anyway? It is my story. It is my heritage. It was kept from me so I went and got it backbone. I did so respectfully and, surprise, we are BOTH really glad that I did. I would have accepted the information alone.the relationship I gained have been a huge bonus.
You should think about trying it Ollie. Source(s): Searched and found.
I think I have a right to meet her, I'm not going to ask to be a section of her life but I have questions that I want answered and I'm going to bring back them.
It's inconsiderate to actually "disrupt" anyone's life, but just making contact isn't disruptive. It would be disruptive to bid her twenty times a day after being asked to stop, to flood her mailbox with correspondence, to mow your initials into her front law, to publish her personal information in the newspaper, to lurk outside her home and work staring at her... primarily, it would be disruptive to act like a crazy stalker.
But one polite letter or phone give the name to try to establish contact is hardly disruptive. She has every right to decline. It's not at all careless to reach out, when the other person can just read out no, and may want contact very much.
I disagree with you. There is no way to know if she is against assemblage her child unless you ask her. Assuming otherwise is not a good choice in life. People are not mind reader.
Actually I would devise it selfish of her not to meet me at least once and share medical information near me.
I also find it selfish for people to keep history and information for adoptees.
I beg to differ.
My mother wanted me contained by her life. She kept asking for me to come back.
Not that you would care.
Thx for the 2 pts.
Well. O-Ollie, you keep some interesting company.Thomas Atwood of the NCFA, Adam Pertman of the Donaldson Institute, adjectives of you concerned with the feelings of poor little old us birthmothers, who quake contained by fear at the thought of all those big, scary children who are going to come and out us! Or, Heaven Forbid! What will the neighbors reckon? I shudder to think! Lets just hope that they think as I do that it is none of Adam Pertman's business, none of the NCFA's business, none of Thomas Atwood's business; and it is MOST CERTAINLY none of YOUR business.
I guess that you are lower than some misconception, like your illustrious friends, that we mothers are too meek and mild to speak on our own behalf. Let me quickly dissuade you of that curious notion! We are not singular able, we are ready and willing to do so.
Here is what we mothers construe about your suggestion, and your question. I don't want you to think that we are singling you out for this, any, since I have personally sent messages to all of them, and this, presently to you.SHUT UP! YOU HAVE PRESUMED ON OUR GOOD WILL FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND WE ARE OFFICIALLY TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP. WE CAN SPEAK FOR OURSELVES, AND DON'T WANT OR NEED YOU TO DO IT FOR US.
There, now you know. You have been properly notify. We will take it from here, thank you.
SLY, Mother
Related Questions: