Were you truthful to your Aparents in the region of how you feel give or take a few adoption?
Or did you skew the truth a little to protect them, or out of fear etc...?
Do you think you told them what they considered necessary to hear growing up? Has this changed over time?
After being told at 8, here was some discussion but I don't remember what I might have said. As a teen, I talked to my mom roughly it but never to my dad.
This year, on my birthday, I talked about it at length with my mom. For the first time contained by my life she wants me to find my f family it seem as much as I do, and I have no doubt she is sincere. She knows where on earth she stands in my life.
As far as any feelings I have, I do remember asking her when I was younger if she thought that they thought about or even remembered me. I can say she never said anything doomed to failure about my parents.
Now my dad... whole other story. I never talked to him just about because "I am the only father who took care of you". It wasn't worth the fight to bring it up.
No, but my parents were extremely vigilant (sometimes hyper-vigilant, in my opinion) surrounded by trying to get me to discuss my feelings. I think in part, because they had wanted an open situation, so they have a bit of grief, too. It made me feel that I wasn't betraying them when I talked about my inner health, because I felt that they shared them, though to a much lesser extent.
I went through a time when I be 12 or 13 when I was kind of angsty about the adoption...my parents be amazing, and my dad always told me that anything I needed to say, they also needed to hear.
When I decided to investigate, my mother said she was relieved, but didn't want to tell me that at the time directly, because she didn't want me to feel pressured any way. Interestingly, in retrospect, I think my parents hide their feelings more than I hid mine, but I think that's probably the agency it should be. :) Source(s): Adult Adoptee / AP
Answers: Well, sort of.
I never really had the space and the freedom to feel whatever I considered necessary to about adoption. My parents told me I should be grateful and that is what I believed for a long time.
Now I have not really talk to my adoptive parents because I am afraid to. They are not really open to talk about adoption and believe that within is no way it could have harmed me. I do not want to cause feud or arguing with them so I keep the peace and keep my mouth shut. I newly try to keep them happy so they won't abandon me.
Sounds caustic but its true. Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized adult adoptee
As a child growing up I believed I had no adoption issue.
I also believed that my adoption was caused by Fate and that I be meant to grow up with my a-parents.
In the past 3 years my perspective on that have changed radically. I no longer believe Fate had anything to do with my adoption.
And no, I hold never told my a-parents about that.
it's a dangerous thing to do - bite the mitt that feeds you...
Yes, I told them I hated mortal adopted. When I first confronted them with their "dirty little secret"; I told them it sucked. As I got elder and more angry about it I told them it sucked and THEY sucked for doing it to me.
As I got older and delt next to my adoption issues, I told them that while I understood why they adopted me and that I knew I be better off being adopted, I still unloved the fact that I needed to be adopted. I also told them they didn't suck. Source(s): adult adoptee,
Growing up I bottled everything up inside and they have no clue what inner turmoil I had, despite their best efforts. Bless 'em, they did try to get me to initiate up, but it just wasn't worth the risk to me. I didn't want to 'hurt' them by telling them I dreamed of my mother every night; that I wait for her on the kerbside outside our home for her to come round the corner; that I hurt so bad that I was 'unwanted' by my own mother and felt unloveable.
My Dad passed when I be a kid but nowadays I'm honest and open with my Adoptive mother nearly how I feel/felt about things and she's just the best. She's helped me alot beside my search and the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with reunion and near me every step of the way. We are very close and talk just about everything and she knows that my search for my family be no reflection on her parenting or love. That's what you call unconditional love. That's how it should be.
Nope. I was too sensitive to other people's feelings to say anything that I know would upset anyone. I pretended that everything was okay, and I never let on that I was disappointed or afraid or hurt. I did this for so long that I started having anxiety problems. I did and said what I thought they wanted to see and hear. I was startled that if I let them know how I felt, they'd abandon me, or that they would stop loving me.
I still to this daylight cannot bring it up with them, for fear of what they would say. Its the one topic that I can't/won't parley to them about. I don't think I've mentioned the word adoption to them since I was give or take a few 7. Source(s): Adoptee, mother of 5
Truthful? no.
I did not 'skew the truth' any to protect them or out of fear. I felt like my TRUE ambience were none of their business. They didn't care how I felt and I rapidly came to understand that I was on my own. I didn't exactness that they didn't care after about age 10.
Like Linny G, I knew the script and I any 'read from it' or I just avoided talking about it altogether.
Over time, this have changed. I tell the unabridged, unashamed truth and they do not like it... not one bit. We are estranged, to say the lowest possible. They try and try to 'convince' their 36-year-old 'baby' (me... but, no, I'm not the youngest) that it was in my best interest and 'meant to be' that they be my parents. UGH! They are so deluded. They are actually able to completely slight the fact that my mom has PAID for me to fly to visit her (over 2100 miles away) 3 separate times. They can't adopt that she is a real, normal... not to mention WELL OFF professional woman and married to a good, fully clad, normal man and has 3 other kids and 2 step-kids. It doesn't compute so they just 'ignore' it -- even though it is FACT.
Thanks for asking... nick care! Source(s): 36 year old reunited adoptee.
Well for a long time I wasn't truthful to -myself- about how I felt, so here was no way I could be truthful with anyone else more or less it. Since that time, I can be mostly truthful with them. I can share some things with them, but I don't feel approaching I can share -everything- because I really do believe that they tried their best and did what they could with the resources and information that they were given and I don't want them to feel resembling I am angry with them or that the problems I have had are their denounce. As I said in a previous answer, I don't know how much of this is from me sensing their emotional reactions and how much of it is me projecting insecurities and anxieties onto them. My guess is that it is a mix of both.
No, not at adjectives. I was terrified they would give me up for adoption, too, if I didn't follow the script.
I never talk about my adoption other than a couple of times, and I learned at a young-looking age that it made my family uncomfortable. So, I just didn't settle about it. Sorta like "Dont ask, dont tell".
Ive gotten a lot bolder surrounded by my old age, though. While I wouldn't say anything intentionally hurtful, because I love and respect them, I do speak up about adoptee's rights to them.
My ap's are "out-of-date school". Meaning they think if something's painful to talk going on for, they just don't talk about it. Therapy be not an option, and we were taught to permit bygones be bygones. It was a very unhealthy bearing to grow up, but I think many people my age (early 40's) be raised like that.
I still do not talk just about my adoption pain to them because they would take it personally, and at their ages (late 70's) they won't take it. They were told by the agency that "if they loved me enough, I would not want to search for my first Mother, and I would be ok." Yeah, ummm...not so much, lol.
I did present them a copy of "twenty five things adoptees wished their adoptive parents knew", and my Mom said my behavior as a child was exactly like most of the examples within the book. But, in her defense, child psychology was in its infancy when I be a child.
She hates talking about my n ethnic group. As soon as its brought up, her eyes well up with tears, so we (my children and I) just dont discuss it anymore. Its regretful, but thats they way she is.
I worry how it will be when my daughters get married and my n fam comes to their weddings, which some of them will. ugh...Ill verbs about that later, lol.
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Do you think you told them what they considered necessary to hear growing up? Has this changed over time?
After being told at 8, here was some discussion but I don't remember what I might have said. As a teen, I talked to my mom roughly it but never to my dad.
This year, on my birthday, I talked about it at length with my mom. For the first time contained by my life she wants me to find my f family it seem as much as I do, and I have no doubt she is sincere. She knows where on earth she stands in my life.
As far as any feelings I have, I do remember asking her when I was younger if she thought that they thought about or even remembered me. I can say she never said anything doomed to failure about my parents.
Now my dad... whole other story. I never talked to him just about because "I am the only father who took care of you". It wasn't worth the fight to bring it up.
No, but my parents were extremely vigilant (sometimes hyper-vigilant, in my opinion) surrounded by trying to get me to discuss my feelings. I think in part, because they had wanted an open situation, so they have a bit of grief, too. It made me feel that I wasn't betraying them when I talked about my inner health, because I felt that they shared them, though to a much lesser extent.
I went through a time when I be 12 or 13 when I was kind of angsty about the adoption...my parents be amazing, and my dad always told me that anything I needed to say, they also needed to hear.
When I decided to investigate, my mother said she was relieved, but didn't want to tell me that at the time directly, because she didn't want me to feel pressured any way. Interestingly, in retrospect, I think my parents hide their feelings more than I hid mine, but I think that's probably the agency it should be. :) Source(s): Adult Adoptee / AP
Answers: Well, sort of.
I never really had the space and the freedom to feel whatever I considered necessary to about adoption. My parents told me I should be grateful and that is what I believed for a long time.
Now I have not really talk to my adoptive parents because I am afraid to. They are not really open to talk about adoption and believe that within is no way it could have harmed me. I do not want to cause feud or arguing with them so I keep the peace and keep my mouth shut. I newly try to keep them happy so they won't abandon me.
Sounds caustic but its true. Source(s): Surprisingly self actualized adult adoptee
As a child growing up I believed I had no adoption issue.
I also believed that my adoption was caused by Fate and that I be meant to grow up with my a-parents.
In the past 3 years my perspective on that have changed radically. I no longer believe Fate had anything to do with my adoption.
And no, I hold never told my a-parents about that.
it's a dangerous thing to do - bite the mitt that feeds you...
Yes, I told them I hated mortal adopted. When I first confronted them with their "dirty little secret"; I told them it sucked. As I got elder and more angry about it I told them it sucked and THEY sucked for doing it to me.
As I got older and delt next to my adoption issues, I told them that while I understood why they adopted me and that I knew I be better off being adopted, I still unloved the fact that I needed to be adopted. I also told them they didn't suck. Source(s): adult adoptee,
Growing up I bottled everything up inside and they have no clue what inner turmoil I had, despite their best efforts. Bless 'em, they did try to get me to initiate up, but it just wasn't worth the risk to me. I didn't want to 'hurt' them by telling them I dreamed of my mother every night; that I wait for her on the kerbside outside our home for her to come round the corner; that I hurt so bad that I was 'unwanted' by my own mother and felt unloveable.
My Dad passed when I be a kid but nowadays I'm honest and open with my Adoptive mother nearly how I feel/felt about things and she's just the best. She's helped me alot beside my search and the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with reunion and near me every step of the way. We are very close and talk just about everything and she knows that my search for my family be no reflection on her parenting or love. That's what you call unconditional love. That's how it should be.
Nope. I was too sensitive to other people's feelings to say anything that I know would upset anyone. I pretended that everything was okay, and I never let on that I was disappointed or afraid or hurt. I did this for so long that I started having anxiety problems. I did and said what I thought they wanted to see and hear. I was startled that if I let them know how I felt, they'd abandon me, or that they would stop loving me.
I still to this daylight cannot bring it up with them, for fear of what they would say. Its the one topic that I can't/won't parley to them about. I don't think I've mentioned the word adoption to them since I was give or take a few 7. Source(s): Adoptee, mother of 5
Truthful? no.
I did not 'skew the truth' any to protect them or out of fear. I felt like my TRUE ambience were none of their business. They didn't care how I felt and I rapidly came to understand that I was on my own. I didn't exactness that they didn't care after about age 10.
Like Linny G, I knew the script and I any 'read from it' or I just avoided talking about it altogether.
Over time, this have changed. I tell the unabridged, unashamed truth and they do not like it... not one bit. We are estranged, to say the lowest possible. They try and try to 'convince' their 36-year-old 'baby' (me... but, no, I'm not the youngest) that it was in my best interest and 'meant to be' that they be my parents. UGH! They are so deluded. They are actually able to completely slight the fact that my mom has PAID for me to fly to visit her (over 2100 miles away) 3 separate times. They can't adopt that she is a real, normal... not to mention WELL OFF professional woman and married to a good, fully clad, normal man and has 3 other kids and 2 step-kids. It doesn't compute so they just 'ignore' it -- even though it is FACT.
Thanks for asking... nick care! Source(s): 36 year old reunited adoptee.
Well for a long time I wasn't truthful to -myself- about how I felt, so here was no way I could be truthful with anyone else more or less it. Since that time, I can be mostly truthful with them. I can share some things with them, but I don't feel approaching I can share -everything- because I really do believe that they tried their best and did what they could with the resources and information that they were given and I don't want them to feel resembling I am angry with them or that the problems I have had are their denounce. As I said in a previous answer, I don't know how much of this is from me sensing their emotional reactions and how much of it is me projecting insecurities and anxieties onto them. My guess is that it is a mix of both.
No, not at adjectives. I was terrified they would give me up for adoption, too, if I didn't follow the script.
I never talk about my adoption other than a couple of times, and I learned at a young-looking age that it made my family uncomfortable. So, I just didn't settle about it. Sorta like "Dont ask, dont tell".
Ive gotten a lot bolder surrounded by my old age, though. While I wouldn't say anything intentionally hurtful, because I love and respect them, I do speak up about adoptee's rights to them.
My ap's are "out-of-date school". Meaning they think if something's painful to talk going on for, they just don't talk about it. Therapy be not an option, and we were taught to permit bygones be bygones. It was a very unhealthy bearing to grow up, but I think many people my age (early 40's) be raised like that.
I still do not talk just about my adoption pain to them because they would take it personally, and at their ages (late 70's) they won't take it. They were told by the agency that "if they loved me enough, I would not want to search for my first Mother, and I would be ok." Yeah, ummm...not so much, lol.
I did present them a copy of "twenty five things adoptees wished their adoptive parents knew", and my Mom said my behavior as a child was exactly like most of the examples within the book. But, in her defense, child psychology was in its infancy when I be a child.
She hates talking about my n ethnic group. As soon as its brought up, her eyes well up with tears, so we (my children and I) just dont discuss it anymore. Its regretful, but thats they way she is.
I worry how it will be when my daughters get married and my n fam comes to their weddings, which some of them will. ugh...Ill verbs about that later, lol.
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